Pump It Up!
I've been on tenterhooks
Ending in dirty looks,
Listening to the muzak,
Thinking 'bout this n that.
She said thats that.
I don't wanna chitter-chat.
Turn it down a little bit
Or turn it down flat.Pump it up when you don't really need it.
Pump it up until you can feel it.Down in the pleasure centre,
Hell bent or heaven sent,
Listen to the propaganda,
Listen to the latest slander.
Theres nothing underhand
That she wouldn't understand.Pump it up until you can feel it.
Pump it up when you don't really need it.(Elvis Costello, Pump It Up, 1978)
A former judge from Bristow, Oklahoma is on trial for allegedly having a somewhat unusual way to pass the time during those long, dreary trials. He is accused of amusing himself by, well, abusing himself.
With a plastic penis pump.
Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others.
Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime masturbation. A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance.
The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.
The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn.
Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy.
Thompson's former court reporter, Lisa Foster, wiped away tears as she described tracing an unfamiliar "sh-sh" in the courtroom to her boss. She testified that between 2001 and 2003 she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times.
"I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.
She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather.
The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump," she said. "It was sickening."
The allegations came to light after a police officer who was in Thompson's court heard pumping sounds and took photos of the device during a break in the proceedings.
Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it.
"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said.
We here at Blue Crab Boulevard do not recommend this technique for passing the time in a public place. On your own time, we don't really object, but we really don't want to hear about it, either.
(And the Elvis Costello lyrics are weirdly appropriate. How'd he do that? Never mind, we don't want to know that, either.)
Crime, Weird Stuff | Gaius June 28, 2006
Other Links to this Post
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Blue Crab Boulevard » Blog Archive » Pump It Up-Date! — June 30, 2006 @ 9:59 am
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Blue Crab Boulevard » Blog Archive » Pump It Up-Date, Up-Date — August 18, 2006 @ 10:37 pm
By Shawn, June 29, 2006 @ 5:30 am
And judicial activism takes a very bizarre, weird turn. I’d still prefer judges doing this vs. forcing their personal views into the law.
Do they make a female version? It might be what is needed to keep SCOTUS judge Ruth Bader-Ginsburg awake for court proceedings.
By Gaius, June 29, 2006 @ 5:47 am
Heh.
By Santay, June 29, 2006 @ 6:35 am
Here come de judge!
By Gaius, June 29, 2006 @ 6:47 am
Urk. Too much information!
By Don Surber, June 29, 2006 @ 8:36 am
Perhaps the year’s best headline: “Awkward moments abound in penis pump trial”
By Gaius, June 29, 2006 @ 8:48 am
It certainly is a strong contender!