Oldest Writing In Americas Discovered

Scientists are excitedly discussing a stone block found in an ancient Olmec mound that has what is believed to be the oldest writing ever discovered in the New World.

The arrangement and pattern of the symbols suggest the ancient Olmec civilization was using written language roughly three centuries earlier than previously proposed.

"We are dealing with the first, clear evidence of writing in the New World," said Stephen Houston, a Brown University anthropologist. Houston and his U.S. and Mexican colleagues detail the tablet's discovery and analysis in a study appearing this week in the journal Science.

The patterns covering the face of the rectangular block also represent a previously unknown ancient writing system — a rare find in archaeology.

The text covers the block's face, which is almost exactly the dimensions of a standard legal pad. However, at 5 inches thick and tipping the scales at 26 pounds, the tablet is decidedly more hefty.

The face is smooth and slightly concave, which suggests it may have been worn down in antiquity as it was inscribed and erased multiple times, Houston said.

Villagers in the Mexican state of Veracruz discovered the tablet sometime before 1999, while quarrying an ancient Olmec mound for road-building material. News of the discovery slowly trickled out, and the study's authors traveled to the site earlier this year to examine and photograph the block.

Based on other materials, including pottery sherds, believed found with the slab, team concluded it is roughly 2,900 years old. Isolated signs similar to those inscribed on the block also appear on even older figurines found elsewhere in Mexico.

The writing appears to be unrelated to any other known language and will therefore be difficult or impossible to decipher, scientists fear. Fortunately, we here at Blue Crab Boulevard have enlisted the services of the Magic 8-Ball Archaeological Institute and Fish Market and are able to provide a partial translation for our less-educated brethren in the sciences.

The text reads: "(something), (something), (something), vast right wing conspiracy, (something), (something)". This, of course, proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Olmecs were, in fact, bloggers. You heard it here first.