The REAL Secret Interrogation Techniques

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Bah. As usual, the Guardian has it all wrong. They trumpet that they have found out the super-duper, tippity-top secret interrogation techniques that John McCain chose to block (by way of saying "ta-ta" to his presidential ambitions, incidentally). Those hideously brutal techniques?

The techniques sought by the CIA are: induced hypothermia; forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods; sleep deprivation; a technique called "the attention grab" where a suspect's shirt is forcefully seized; the "attention slap" or open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage; the "belly slap"; and sound and light manipulation.

Gee. How. Awful.

Well, we here at Blue Crab Boulevard have the real scoop of the day. We obtained the real list while the Guardian obtained the official red herring list of silly things to get the leftists spun about™. We called out ultra-reliable sources at the Magic 8-Ball Intelligence Agency and Cut Rate Tires, Inc. and got the actual list of inhuman tortures that the CIA will really use, once McCain realizes he's screwed in 2008. Without further ado, the real list of Hideous, Inhuman Tortures®:

The McCruelty: Subject will be forced to consume twenty seven cups of a certain fast-food establishment's coffee in a row. Then will find out the restroom is out of order.

The TeleHorror: Subject will be strapped to a seat in front of a wall sized flat-panel television. Barney will be playing. On endless loop.

The Nosmo King: The subject, if a smoker will be sent into a room with 500 cartons of cigarettes, all his favorite brand. No matches will be provided. If a non-smoker, subject will be strapped to a chair in a sports bar during the playoffs. Of several sports. 

The Endless Wait: A subject will be made to stand in a grocery checkout line with a bag of potato chips and $3. Each of the twenty people in line ahead of the subject  will have a minimum of 35 items in their carts, will use 73 coupons, will require a minimum of five price checks AND will pay with a check.

The Infantifada: Subject will be placed in the coach section of an airliner in the middle seat between a 400 pound insurance salesman with terminal halitosis and a 450 pound conspiracy theorist who loves to talk and has not bathed in six months. Minimum. Every other seat on the airliner will be filled with mothers carrying screaming babies. Non-stop, New York to Tokyo. And back.

He'll crack. Trust me. Nobody could live through that last one without spilling.

Update: Evil, evil Jim Treacher. You'll go straight to Hell for these brutal techniques. You monster.

UPDATE: Ace Chimes in with more horrors beyond imagining. He has one factual error however. I did not personally "sell the soul of conservatism" to the devil for 600 pieces of silver. I only leased it. With option to renew.

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20 Responses to The REAL Secret Interrogation Techniques

  1. old_dawg says:

    I would addd the following:
    – Having to listen to all of Harry Reid’s speeches in a continuous loop.
    – Being forced to share a cell with Cindy Sheehan.

  2. Gaius says:

    That last one is inhuman. I expect a UN resolution on you at any moment.

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  8. As a twist to the “Nosmo” gambit: Locked in a sports bar, in New England, with the TVs locked on the NY Yankees and the miserable Mutts playing playoff baseball on every screen.

    And all the patrons have been told Hadji broke the remote.

    Yes, I know that ain’t torture… more like “you’re getting a wicked pissah beatdown, cabbie!”

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  11. Blackie says:

    Those techniques sounded very familiar, and then I remembered. I was drafted into the US Army in 1969. Virtually all of those techniques and worse were employed by drill sergeants during Army basic training. Further, I would equate “water-boarding” with gas-mask training, the way the US Army did it. So, in the American Army, we consider those things “training” but in the US Senate, we call that “torture.” I think some of our elected representatives need to grow up.

  12. Three words: Yoko Ono Marathon.

    Longest time to breaking: 74sec

  13. Gaius says:

    Funny you should mention that. I actually did that to the guys who lived in the next dorm room when I was in college……

    Live Peace in Toronto, side 2 on endless repeat. 20 plus minutes of Yoko screaming into a microphone.

    That would, however, be a crime against humanity!

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  15. Adam says:

    ROFLMAO!
    I wouldn’t subject my worst enemy to some of those methods of torture.
    “…and a 450 pound conspiracy theorist who loves to talk and has not bathed in six months.”
    So, they’ll torture the terrorists by making them sit next to Michael Moore on a plane? I’d say that definitely falls under cruel and unusual punishment.

    For the “Telehorror” punishment, maybe some other programs and films could be used as well, such as ‘Mind of Mencia’ (Why is that no- talent freak still on the air?), MAD TV (I can’t remember the last time that show brought so much as a smile to my face), any reality shows seen on MTV, or movies such as “Gigli,” “Superstar,” and “Bubble Boy.” Play any of those shows or films on a continuous loop to a terrorist, and you’ll probably get a confession pretty quickly.

  16. Gaius says:

    But we can’t be too cruel. No Carrot Top.

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