Bah. As usual, the Guardian has it all wrong. They trumpet that they have found out the super-duper, tippity-top secret interrogation techniques that John McCain chose to block (by way of saying "ta-ta" to his presidential ambitions, incidentally). Those hideously brutal techniques?
The techniques sought by the CIA are: induced hypothermia; forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods; sleep deprivation; a technique called "the attention grab" where a suspect's shirt is forcefully seized; the "attention slap" or open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage; the "belly slap"; and sound and light manipulation.
Gee. How. Awful.
Well, we here at Blue Crab Boulevard have the real scoop of the day. We obtained the real list while the Guardian obtained the official red herring list of silly things to get the leftists spun about™. We called out ultra-reliable sources at the Magic 8-Ball Intelligence Agency and Cut Rate Tires, Inc. and got the actual list of inhuman tortures that the CIA will really use, once McCain realizes he's screwed in 2008. Without further ado, the real list of Hideous, Inhuman Tortures®:
The McCruelty: Subject will be forced to consume twenty seven cups of a certain fast-food establishment's coffee in a row. Then will find out the restroom is out of order.
The TeleHorror: Subject will be strapped to a seat in front of a wall sized flat-panel television. Barney will be playing. On endless loop.
The Nosmo King: The subject, if a smoker will be sent into a room with 500 cartons of cigarettes, all his favorite brand. No matches will be provided. If a non-smoker, subject will be strapped to a chair in a sports bar during the playoffs. Of several sports.
The Endless Wait: A subject will be made to stand in a grocery checkout line with a bag of potato chips and $3. Each of the twenty people in line ahead of the subject will have a minimum of 35 items in their carts, will use 73 coupons, will require a minimum of five price checks AND will pay with a check.
The Infantifada: Subject will be placed in the coach section of an airliner in the middle seat between a 400 pound insurance salesman with terminal halitosis and a 450 pound conspiracy theorist who loves to talk and has not bathed in six months. Minimum. Every other seat on the airliner will be filled with mothers carrying screaming babies. Non-stop, New York to Tokyo. And back.
He'll crack. Trust me. Nobody could live through that last one without spilling.
Update: Evil, evil Jim Treacher. You'll go straight to Hell for these brutal techniques. You monster.
UPDATE: Ace Chimes in with more horrors beyond imagining. He has one factual error however. I did not personally "sell the soul of conservatism" to the devil for 600 pieces of silver. I only leased it. With option to renew.