Imaginary Woodpeckers Take On Biggest Challenge

Untitled document

We here at Blue Crab Boulevard have been among the first to bring the world all sorts of cutting edge information on imaginary woodpeckers. But now, because of our immense resources and uncanny knack for putting two and two together to make sixteen, we believe we have found the missing woodpeckers that all those science types can't get a picture of! We believe they are engaged in a nefarious plot to fell the tallest tree in the world!

A GIANT redwood deep in a remote northern Californian forest has been declared the tallest tree in the world.

Confirmation of the new record-breaker came only after a tree-climbing scientist reached its top to confirm a height of nearly 380ft (114m) — a foot taller than previously thought.

Hyperion, which stands 379.1ft tall, is nearly nine feet taller than the previous record holder, Stratosphere Giant. Two other ancient redwoods discovered nearby were also higher than the previous best, knocking the old record-holder into fourth place.

Experts say that the chances of finding a taller redwood are extremely remote, meaning that Hyperion, at between 700 and 800 years old, may be in the record books to stay as the tallest tree — and living organism — on Earth.

Two amateur naturalists discovered the three giants deep inside Redwood National Park this summer after inspecting 95 per cent of the trees in the forest.

Researchers took laser measurements that suggested that all three — Hyperion, Helios and Icarus — were standing taller than the former record holder.

A completely psychotic fearlessly brave scientist, Professor Steve Sillett, actually climbed the tree and dropped a tape measure to the ground to verify the height. (OSHA would NOT approve of his climbing method which involves using a crossbow to heave a rope over the first branches. Which start some 25 stories in the air or so). But, by climbing the tree the good professor found the proof of the evil scheme: Woodpeckers have been whittling down the giant!

To climb the giants, Professor Sillett uses a powerful crossbow to shoot a bolt, with a trailing line attached over a branch 250ft up its trunk. The line is then fixed to a rope, pulled over the massive branch, and then anchored to a nearby tree before he climbs the rope, using the trunk for footholds.

At the top of Hyperion, Professor Sillett discovered that damage by woodpeckers had robbed the tree of almost a foot in height.

The tallest tree ever reliably recorded was a Douglas fir in Lynn Valley, British Columbia, Canada, which was measured in the late 19th century at 414ft. It is no longer standing.

Now, since the woodpeckers that damaged the tree were not photographed and the Ivory-Billed woodpeckers are also never photographed, we fearlessly leap to the conclusion that it was the imaginary woodpeckers themselves who are the culprits!. We believe a substantial fee changed hands. A certain former world's record holder wants the title back.

This entry was posted in Animals, Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Imaginary Woodpeckers Take On Biggest Challenge

  1. Blackhawk says:

    OK, I gotta admit that this is a little too high even for penguins. Maybe the ivory-billed woodpeckers are the ones behind the animal uprising…they’re never seen, but their presence is always felt…beware the Ivory Beak…

    Just a thought, but maybe the reason no one has photographed one of these nefarious critters is that they don’t live in trees…maybe they only live in ivory towers. Or they’re extinct. In which case, the penguins are back on the hook. Maybe ivory billed penguins.

  2. What, nothing on Foley ???

    There are holes here, and I don’t think woodpeckers are responsible.


  3. Gaius says:

    I already said what I wanted to on Foley. In a number of posts.

  4. Dan says:

    But with all of the new fun surrounding Foley’s attempt to woo the gay vote, I would’ve thought you’d say more Gaius. No photoshopped images of Foley and the village people? Or maybe Foley in that S&M scene from Pulp Fiction? Nothing?

Comments are closed.