Pass The Fernet Branca!

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Hollywood mans the barricades! The stars have come out in broad daylight! Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford, Jane Seymour, Dick Van Dyke and Tea Leoni all showed up! Lyn Davis Lear allegedly sent a chauffeur! Reports are that Gore Vidal sent an undocumented gardener! The barricades have been fully manned! Chant with us! NIMBY! NIMBY! NIMBY!

No gas shall pass! No natural gas for the peons! It would be unsightly!

MALIBU, Calif. – Clean water advocate Pierce Brosnan and other celebrity residents gathered at Surfrider Beach on Sunday to protest a natural gas facility proposed 14 miles off the Malibu coast…..

There are currently five terminals proposed for California, with three along the Southern California coastline.

One of the world's largest energy companies, Australian-based BHP Billiton, wants to build the Cabrillo Port Liquefied Natural Gas facility off the coast of Malibu and Oxnard.

Opponents say the terminals fail to meet clean air requirements and would be terrorist targets.

Under no circumstances should the state of California actually meet its own energy needs! Can't you see! Pollution must not sully California. It is only 14 miles off the coast! We might be able to see it on a clear day!Build the damn things in Oregon – who'd notice? Then pipe it to the stars. The peons can manage without energy. Our views must not be obstructed after all.

(Was that snarky? Good.)

UPDATE: Meanwhile, thanks to commenter Scott we have this little item. While the Stars were busy manning the barricades, the sewage of the stars was busy fouling Malibu beaches! You must not build that thing a mere 14 miles off the shore. It might obstruct my view of my steaming heap sailing off to China!

Environmentalists and health officials suspect Malibu homeowners’ leaky septic tanks are allowing what gets flushed down the toilet to flow down the hills and into the Pacific Ocean. To identify the offenders, authorities intend to use DNA testing and, if necessary, get court warrants to inspect septic tanks. And that includes tanks buried in the backyards of Hollywood celebrities.

Malibu, whose spectacular seaside cliffs, canyons and beaches have attracted numerous environmentally minded celebrities over the years, including Sting and Tom Hanks, was incorporated in 1991 specifically to stop construction of a sewer line. There are an estimated 2,400 septic tanks in this city of multimillion-dollar homes strung along 25 miles of coast.

Malibu residents fiercely guard their privacy and their right to use septic tanks, and many deny their septic systems are the source of dangerous ocean bacteria levels that rise sharply after heavy rains.

DNA sleuthing
Under pressure from Southern California regulators, investigators over the next few months will begin testing sea water. If DNA shows the waste is human and not from, say, raccoons or coyote, they will follow the trail up creeks that traverse neighborhoods in Malibu, where clean-water advocates such as Pierce Brosnan and Ted Danson live.

Where the tests show a concentration of human waste, inspectors will sleuth out the source. Though they will not request DNA samples from residents to match waste with its human source, they may ask a judge for authority to inspect tanks of property owners who bar them from taking samples.

“It is a big deal that the county is now saying, ‘We’re willing to go on to properties to see what the source of fecal contamination is,”’ says Mark Gold, executive director of the local environmental group Heal the Bay.

Malibu leaders have argued that the pollution comes from a wastewater treatment plant, storm runoff and bird droppings. Malibu actress and animal-rights activist Pamela Anderson contends the real polluter is animal agriculture, such as chicken farms.

It's the chickens, I tell you!

Lord. I can't make this stuff up. Really, I can't. When Pierce and Ted's excellent excrement turn up in the water, will there be a movie?

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6 Responses to Pass The Fernet Branca!

  1. Gaius says:

    Dude! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

  2. Iguess when it doesn’t stink they think it doesn’t pollute either.

  3. John McDermott says:

    I moved to Florida. Not because I was concerned with our Hollywood elites’ septic tank run-off, because if as they imply, their bodily wastes don’t stink, how could they be harmful when diluted by sea water and all that natural gas bubbling to the surface. Actually, I left Irvine because I was tired of wealthy North Korean tourists accosting me on the street, asking me if I knew Arec Bardwin. He was quite a hit in a movie released several years ago that sort of starred their glorious leader. There were quite a few other alleged stars in the epic, who failed to lend their names to the production, and so were sumarily dealt with. I’m sure many of them contribute to the gaseous content of the Pacific Ocean, because of the porous nature of their personal septic tanks. We all should be happy they are fighting the drilling. In the off chance some of the natural gas could be poluted by some of that Hollywood excrement, can you imagine roasting marshmallows over your kitchen stove or outdoor gas barbecue and thinking of Sarandon, Roberts, Garafolo, Clooney etc., etc., Argh…

  4. Sticky Notes says:

    Good one! This is just like no windfarms in the Hamptons.NIMBY.

  5. Pingback: Texas Rainmaker » Liberals: “Do As We Say, Not As We Do”

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