A Modest Proposal
The Daily Mail is getting a collective case of knotsinshortsitus over starving polar bears, claiming that global warming is delaying the bears starting their annual orgy of seal slaughter. Now, the seals are not in the least upset by this turn of events, but the British reporters sure are.
As they nuzzle, cuddle and play rough and tumble in the snow, it is easy to forget that polar bears are one of the world's most fearsome predators.
They can smell prey 20 miles away, smash through yards of ice with their powerful paws and, if there are no seals around, they will actively hunt human beings.
These animals gathering near the town of Churchill in Hudson Bay, Canada – known as the polar bear capital of the world – are at present little more than curious about the scientists and photographers observing them.
But it would be unwise to be complacent, for they are becoming increasingly ravenous, with some having gone months without a decent meal.
They are all waiting patiently for the sea to freeze over so they can start hunting seals, their main food source, and replenish the pounds they have lost over the summer.
But global warming is having a worrying impact with increasingly shorter winters leaving the bears with perilously little time to catch enough meat to see them through the next long summer.
Polar bears are well-adapted for surviving their hostile, barren environment. Their double layer of fur, half-ton mass and four-inch thick layer of fat means they can survive temperatures of minus 50c.
But although their seal hunting prowess on the winter ice is extraordinary, they are not well-suited to catching other prey, such as birds or fish, in the summer.
During the warmer seasons, the bears mate and give birth and live off their blubber as they wait for the ice to form, traditionally in October.
Last year, the freeze was so late that the bears were wailing with hunger and some even started to eat seaweed as their emergency blubber wore thin.
The ice is behind schedule this year too, causing concern among conservationists, although it is starting to slowly form.
When the ice begins to thicken the bears will venture out to test it with their legs spread wide apart to min-imise their weight, or wriggling along on their bellies. Every now and then, they will jump up and down to see if it is strong enough to take their weight.
Despite their rumbling stomachs, the bears, which are normally solitary creatures, appear to be in good spirits. Some are intrigued by the scientists, environmentalists and wildlife photographers who have gathered to observe them.
That last paragraph is the key to the entire dilemma, of course. Since the global warming enthusiasts are so worried about the bears, I strongly urge them to go up and check up on the poor creatures. Soon, the bears will be well fed, the seals will breath a sigh of relief and there will be fewer people issuing dire warnings all around. It's a win-win-win situation! Good heavens, we're brilliant today.
