The Zombie Races Down Under

Australia has a major problem on its hands. It seems the zombies are stealing cars and drag racing them all over the countryside. The authorities are trying to blame it on living people, though.

Police in Sydney said 240 people were under investigation over the speeding scam, where hundreds of motorists blamed either the same dead man, or a person living in another state, for driving their cars at the time of the speeding offences.

"These offences amount to fraud and, if proven, those involved could face stiff penalties including imprisonment," New South Wales Police Superintendent Daryl Donnolly said in a statement on Saturday.

The police investigation found hundreds of people named the same man from Sydney's west, who died five years ago, as the person who was driving their vehicle when it was speeding.

The audit was prompted by a well-publicized case where a retired Federal court judge avoided a fine. It seems a dead woman was driving his car at the time of the offense. Now we know  very well why the authorities are trying to pin this on the living. Zombies are notoriously short on funds. After all, everyone knows that you can't take it with you.

Matlock Sues Andy Griffith

Or Andy Griffith sues Andy Griffith, take your pick. A man in Wisconsin legally changed his name to Andrew Jackson Griffith so he could run for the office of sheriff in Grant county, Wisconsin. He figured it gave him instant name recognition to run as 'Andy Griffith'. The real Andy Griffith is not amused, however.

The star of "The Andy Griffith Show," who portrayed the sheriff of the fictional town of Mayberry, has sued a Wisconsin man who unsuccessfully ran for the Grant County post after legally changing his name to Andrew Jackson Griffith.

The lawsuit, filed Nov. 3 in U.S. District Court in Madison, alleges that William Harold Fenrick, 42, violated trademark and copyright laws, as well as the privacy of actor Andy Samuel Griffith, when he used his new name to promote his candidacy for sheriff in southwestern Wisconsin.

The lawsuit says the former Fenrick changed his name for the "sole purpose of taking advantage of Griffith's notoriety in an attempt to gain votes." It asks the court to order him to go back to his original name.

The actor's lawsuit also asks Griffith to publish disclaimers and an apology in Grant County newspapers that say he has no association with the actor. It seeks unspecified damages and court fees.

"Now that the election is over, if Fenrick is willing in some fashion to clear the record, we probably could find a way to resolve it," said the actor's lawyer, Jim Cole.

Griffith argues that he did not benefit from the name change.

Fenrick/Griffith says the lawsuit is "un-American". I'd argue that lawsuits are rapidly becoming a defining characteristic of America, but let that pass. So we have a real actor using a real lawyer to sue a real person who changed his name to cash in on the name recognition of the fictional character that the real actor played on television many years ago. The real question here is: If the man now changes his name to Matlock can he defend himself in court? Or conduct surgery if he changes his name to Marcus Welby, MD?

Loose Change 9/11

It seems that (T)Hugo Chavez is watching American movies and formulating official Venezuelan government policy based on what the movies tell him. He's not watching Disney pictures, either. He is watching films like Loose Change and Fahrenheit 9/11 and having his rubber stamp legislature pass resolutions based on them. He's also escalating his hate filled diatribes against George Bush.

When Venezuela's leftist President Hugo Chávez called President Bush ''the devil'' in a U.N. speech in September, many thought his ''anti-imperialist'' rhetoric had reached rock bottom.

But fresh depths have since been plumbed. The Venezuelan government, to judge from recent events, officially regards Bush as a genocidal Nazi who arranged the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks to justify aggression against other nations.

In a speech Tuesday, Chávez criticized the decision of an Iraqi court to sentence former dictator Saddam Hussein to the death penalty. ''If sentencing is to be done,'' Chávez said, “the first one to be given the most severe sentence this planet has to offer should be the president of the United States, if we're talking about genocidal presidents.''

His comments, which were fairly typical of his recent attacks on Bush, came shortly after the publication of a resolution by Venezuela's legislative National Assembly describing the 9/11 attacks as ''self-inflicted'' and after an exhibition at the Foreign Ministry building in Caracas in which Bush was portrayed as a Nazi storm trooper.

The resolution, which appeared in the official government gazette in mid-October, primarily criticized Washington's decision to build a wall along the Mexican border to keep illegal immigrants out.

But in its fourth paragraph, it calls on the U.S. Congress to “demand that the government of President Bush explain the self-inflicted attack on the World Trade Center and its victims, the supposed aircraft that crashed into the Pentagon and the links between the bin Laden family and the Bush family.''

Unfortunately, Venezuela will continue to slide into a Cuba-like dictatorship under Chavez. He's even using the same model: cast the US as mortal enemy to build internal support. Unfortunately, American movie makers are helping provide the material for the hate-fest.

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