"Grubby", "cramped", "dirty" and "having all the charm and poise of a vicar on crack". Highly unusual terms to see when looking at real estate ads. The more commonly used ones refer to "fixer-uppers" which generally translates to "faller downers" or "possible 4 bedroom" which means "one bedroom and three middling large closets". But a real estate agent is making headlines in Britain for using the honest terms instead of the usual secret code words.
Most estate agents describe properties as having development potential or boasting charming character features.
However, Julian Bending is unusually blunt in his approach to selling houses.
In the past, he has described houses as grubby, cramped, and dirty. Other adverts have included descriptions such as "original and grim late '70s conversion"; "the perfect country retreat for a tidy person who likes sheep;" and "would suit witch".
In another, the estate agent warned customers tempted to view a £110,000 house of the property's "pong".
"Dear God it's difficult to imagine a more disgusting house than this," the details read.
Mr Bending, who runs Ralph Bending Estate Agents, in Glastonbury, Somerset, has risked offending local Christian groups with his latest advertisements.
A two-bedroom terrace in Glastonbury is advertised as "having all the charm and poise of a vicar on crack" and at £155,000 is said to be "suitable for a midget".
An elegant stable conversion in Wells is meanwhile ideal for a "vicar with a fetish".
Mr Bending said his descriptions had been popular with both sellers and buyers, who he claimed were fed up with misleading information from estate agents.
Mr. Bending is quite proud of his discovery that honesty works. He also appears to be laboring under the assumption that this is novel. How soon they forget. Remember "Volvos, yes they're boxy, but they're safe".
UPDATE: Greetings visitors from Ace of Spades HQ. Please do look around a bit while you're here.
Some years back, the National Lampoon Sunday newspaper parody had a real estate section. A photograph of a house which obviously had been hit by a tornado was captioned a fixer-upper.
That reminds me of a Fred Pohl story in which emigrants from Earth were so fed up with advertising that individuals foreswore using ‘euphamisms’ about items they sold and just plainly stated them.
I actually would buy apples from someone putting out: ‘Not a great year for apples, these are ok if a bit sour, not tart.’
Yes, I could easily start buying from people doing that… and ditch the lovely ads and misdirection.