Hot Manatee Love
One simply is awed by some of the strange and utterly weird changes being wrought upon society by the internet. Take for example http://www.hornymanatee.com/, a site that did not even exist until Conan O'Brien used that (up until then) website in a skit. But they realized they had to either a) buy the site b) bleep the name or c)risk having someone else grabbing the domain and posting something offensive. They chose option a). And now they have an internet phenom on their hands.
The skit, as scripted for the Dec. 4 installment of “Late Night With Conan O’Brien,” was about absurdist college sports mascots that the host and his writers would like to see someday.
Among them were “the Boise State Conjoined Vikings,” who had been born locked at the horns, as well as something Mr. O’Brien called “the Webcam manatee” — said to be the mascot of “F.S.U.” — which was basically someone in a manatee costume rubbing himself or herself provocatively in front of a camera (to the tune of the 1991 hit “I Touch Myself”). Meanwhile a voyeur with a lascivious expression watched via computer.
Who knew that life would soon imitate art.
At the end of the skit, in a line Mr. O’Brien insists was ad-libbed, he mentioned that the voyeur (actually Mark Pender, a member of the show’s band) was watching http://www.hornymanatee.com/. There was only one problem: as of the taping of that show, which concluded at 6:30 p.m., no such site existed. Which presented an immediate quandary for NBC: If a viewer were somehow to acquire the license to use that Internet domain name, then put something inappropriate on the site, the network could potentially be held liable for appearing to promote it.
In a pre-emptive strike inspired as much by the regulations of the Federal Communications Commission as by the laws of comedy, NBC bought the license to hornymanatee.com, for $159, after the taping of the Dec. 4 show but before it was broadcast.
By yesterday afternoon hornymanatee.com — created by Mr. O’Brien’s staff and featuring images of such supposedly forbidden acts as “Manatee-on-Manatee” sex (again using characters in costumes) — had received approximately 3 million hits, according to NBC. Meanwhile several thousand of Mr. O’Brien’s viewers have also responded to his subsequent on-air pleas that they submit artwork and other material inspired by the aquatic mammals, and the romantic and sexual shenanigans they imagine, to the e-mail address conan@hornymanatee.com.
Longtime readers know that the huge staff here at Blue Crab Boulevard all have a, let's be kind here, skewed sense of humor. This whole thing tickles us to no end. Tasteless? Sure. Funny? You bet. But, we also feel that Conan O'Brien is looking at a massive onslaught of lawyers assailing his entertainment empire for horning in on our turf. We are the home of Manatee Madness. We are the ones who have been warning of the menace of the manatees. We are even the ones who offered, at a very attractive price we hasten to add, the top secret recipe for manatee brisket. Which was apparently used successfully. Our lawyers will call your lawyers, Mr. O'Brien.
However, to prove our preeminence in the manatee information world, we are in sole possession of the most explosive manatee information available to mankind today. Our operative at the Magic 8-Ball Photography and Roadkill Removal, Inc. service have perfected an astonishing new technique. Yes, they can now do Future Fotography®. This stunning development allows them to get pictures of events that have not yet occurred! And it is with great pleasure we here at Blue Crab Boulevard proudly present an exclusive photo that Conan O'Brien's puny site can only dream of owning! This is a Future Fotograph® of Al Gore's celebratory barbecue after winning his Oscar! Please note the main course!
