Santa’s Doomed Reindeer

We here at Blue Crab Boulevard have been dutifully covering the decimation of Santa's reindeer. As far as we can tell, we are the only blog providing this vital information. Shame on the rest of the blogosphere for staying silent on this tragedy. We were the first to report on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Brisket. We were the definitive source on the jailing of Blitzen. We regretfully revealed the sad fate of Comet and Cupid and their disappearance into the British Reindeer Gulag. Now it our sad, sad duty to have to report the murder, and subsequent slow-roasting of Vixen, reducing the jolly old elf to only four working reindeer. Worse yet, the feast was laid on by the president of the European Union and devoured by Euro-weenie bureaucrats while scantily clad elves flitted about. And it happened - sob - right in front of Santa. Oh the humanity. Er. Elfmanity.

With a white beard down to his waist, Santa brought some festive fun to the normally stuffy confines of the European Council, where the 25 EU leaders were locking horns.

He wandered through the Brussels headquarters handing out a sleighful of rock CDs to get diplomats going, ably aided by two delightful female elves in green hats.

Among the 12 tracks on the "Pop/Rock Highlights from Finland" stocking filler CD were Lemonator's "Would You Die For Me?", "Snow" by Rajaton and accordion queen Maria Kalaniemi's "Kevaan kurjet (Cranes of Spring)".

But the stand-out track to pack a punch for Christmas was monster-masked Lordi's "Hard Rock Hallelujah", which took this year's Eurovision Song Contest by storm, winning with a record 292 points.

However, this was no ordinary rendition of the track that brought musical glory to Finland — Brussels bureaucrats got a "Eurovicious Radio Edit".

Finland is the current president of the 25-member EU and is hosting the summit of the bloc's leaders, hence the handout.

As such, Finns laid on the food — and duly served up some festive reindeer, which went down a treat.

But those feeling squeamish at tucking into Rudolph and friends just as Santa needed them for Christmas could try the Finnish fish or vegetarian dishes instead.

Yes, they could try the vegetarian dishes. Except for one tiny problem. Finland has no vegetables at all, only reindeer. Our operatives believe that the "vegetable surprise" that was on the banquet table was actually Dancer. In which case Santa is down to three and Christmas will have to be canceled this year.

Now, aren't you glad you check in here for the really important news of the day?