Bigfoot Does Not Exist: Malaysia

Officials from Malaysia's environmental ministry have officially announced that Bigfoot does not exist. All of those stories, sightings, rumors and speculation add up to nothing whatsoever.

The ministry's parliamentary secretary, Sazmi Miah, said Saturday that no firm evidence such as droppings or hair from the creature had ever been found in the 40 years state authorities had monitored the jungles.

Cameras set up in the jungles a few years back to monitor the movements of animals had also failed to pick up traces of the creature, he was reported as saying in the New Straits Times.

"If there's truly a Bigfoot, there would have been firm evidence of its existence or the cameras would have captured its image or movements," he told the newspaper.

Sazmi said the buzz over Bigfoot was a hoax, dismissing evidence of large footprints cited as proof of the creature's existence and saying that eyewitnesses had probably spotted apes or bears instead.

"To date, the evidence has been a so-called footprint," he said. "Don't tell me that that creature walked on one leg? That's not possible."

We here at Blue Crab Boulevard have discovered that this conclusion by the Malaysian government was not simply arrived at by guesswork. In fact, there was a blue ribbon commission of very famous and distinguished people appointed to look into the matter. They concluded that Bigfoot is a complete myth. Our incredibly talented operatives from the Magic 8-Ball Photography and Septic Service, Ltd., actually obtained this picture of the blue-ribboned committee delivering their blue ribbon conclusions. In blue ribbon fashion of course. We understand that they are now looking into Ivory Billed Woodpeckers.

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