No Crunchy Turtle Chips For You

Indian authorities have foiled a clever plot of the Animal Uprising™. With help from human accomplices, the animals were trying to smuggle thousands of suicide turtles across the Indian subcontinent.

The turtles were found packed into sacks in a house in Jaswant Nagar town in Uttar Pradesh state about 200 km (125 miles) west of the state capital, Lucknow, and are estimated to have a street value of about $23,600.

Police said they had arrested five men believed to be planning to ship the turtles to the eastern state of West Bengal, and possibly other Asian countries such as Thailand and Malaysia, where eating them is believed to stimulate sexual desire.

"Preliminary investigations suggest that a large chunk of the contraband finds its way to Southeast Asian countries, where turtle meat is converted into crunchy chips for convenient consumption," said Ram Kumar, police chief of Etawah district in Uttar Pradesh.

What is clever about this you ask? Simple. The animals are the ones who started the rumors about crunchy turtle chip increasing sexual desire. They actually work the opposite way and decrease people's desire. It's bilogical warfare!