The Tale Of The Giant Rat Of Minnesota
Our story begins at a tire shop in Virginia, Minnesota. It was opening time and the first employee to unlock the shop went in and smells a rat. Or rather sees a rat. Only this is no ordinary rat. This is a huge, terrible rat as big a a pony. Well, that's what it looked like to him at the time, anyway.
After scampering out the front door, Bergman called a buddy and told him to bring a rifle to dispatch the critter.
On edge, employees stalked the "rat," entering the office where it was hold up.
"We're looking around in the office and a box falls, and I must have jumped a foot," said Bob Dethloff, a brawny alignment specialist and stock car racer. "I thought it was going to attack me from behind."
Dethloff's son, Ryan, a mechanic at the shop, was armed with a broomstick.
All of a sudden, he spotted the "rat."
"Ryan comes out of the office screaming, and he says, 'It's huge!'" Bergman said. "It was the size of a cat."
"I guess he jumped on top of a desk and screamed like a girl who had seen a mouse," Starr said of Ryan Dethloff.
In the end, an employee shot and killed what turned out to be a muskrat.
We here at Blue Crab Boulevard would achieve orbital velocity if we saw a rat the size of Detroit. Or pretty much any rat. We don't like rats. Even musky ones. We have actually levitated upon seeing rats. Personally, we would have used gasoline and a match on the whole shebang. Some people would call that overreacting. We call it prudent.
By Chris, Saturday, 17 February , 2007 @ 4:21 am
Um, someone I know (who was a little punchy after being up for several hours too long) tried to fire up a possum after attempting to beat it to death with a shovel. Since death was far from instantaneous, and in fact, was entirely absent, and the entire event was viewed by his children, I must caution you against using anything less than a military-grade flamethrower against our animal insurgents.
It’s for the children.