Information From Informants

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I really have been posting very lightly for the past week or so. These computer problems have been driving me up the wall. But never fear, faithful readers. My vast network of informants never sleeps! They continue to comb the world press looking for signs of the Animal Uprising™. And they have found several incidents that must be brought to the world's attention. (We don't pay these folks enough for all their good work. In fact, we don't pay them at all.)

Item: When people surrender to the animals, they go on the payroll. An animal – in this case a bird – adopts the vanquished human and takes over feeding it. As we see here in this picture in Britain's Sun newspaper. Oh sure, the guy tries to say it was him befriending the bird, but that's all a smoke screen. In actuality, the bird is feeding the man.

Item: On the genetic engineering front, the Animal Uprising™ has mastered a new creation. Not content with their earlier success with the seven-wheel drive deer, they have gone on to even bigger – or at least more numerous – things. The 26-toed cat.

Her human family noticed there was something different with the three-month-old kitten when she started scratching more than other cats.

"You would sort of want to wear boxing gloves when you play with her," says Kaelene Gerrard, who lives with her partner Eli Eliu and daughters Mercy, six, and 12-year-old Shardae.

She examined the frisky feline's paws and did a double take at what she found.

"We counted and then recounted but we had it right the first time," she says.

Extra has seven toes on each front paw and six toes on each back paw – instead of the normal five on each.

"Her mum Star is a normal cat but her grandmother had six toes on each paw as well and so does her brother. But we've never even heard of a kitten with seven toes on each front paw," says Kaelene.

"Extra's a good climber and runs really fast.

A very disturbing development. Think of the daring heists cat burglars equipped with all that extra traction will be able to pull off.

Item: Giant Hell Hornets awaiting French surrender. Gigantic killer hornets are running – er, flying – amok in France. It is only a matter of time until the French throw up their hands and wave the white flag.

Swarms of giant hornets renowned for their vicious stings and skill at massacring honeybees have settled in France.

And there are now so many of the insects that entomologists fear it will just be a matter of time before they cross to Britain.

Global warming has largely been blamed for the survival and spread of the Asian Hornet, Vespa velutina, which is thought to have arrived in France from the Far East in a consignment of Chinese pottery in late 2004.

Thousands of football-shaped hornet nests are now dotted all over the forests of Aquitaine, the south-western region of France hugely popular with British tourists.

"Their spread across French territory has been like lightning," said Jean Haxaire, the entomologist who originally identified the new arrival.

He said he had recently seen 85 nests in the 40-odd miles which separate the towns of Marmande and Podensac, in the Lot et Garonne department where the hornets were first spotted.

It isn't global warming, it's attempted global domination by the animal overlords. The only reason the French haven't surrendered already is that they can't find the queen in charge.

All of the these were sent in by the vast Crabitat Informant Network. Keep up the good work, folks. Consider your pay doubled!

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