The Massive Energy Footprint Of Gorezilla
Mark Steyn has a grand, old time eviscerating the eco-sainted Al Gore over his enormous energy usage at his Tennessee castle. As always, Steyn uses his prodigious wit to slam Gore's ecopocrisy and the lame and highly lucrative self-serving explanation Gore's spokesperson used to defend the gargantuan electric bill. After all, Gorezilla buys his "carbon offsets" from himself to allow his megawatt-intensive lifestyle to continue unabated.
Two hundred twenty-one thousand kilowatt-hours? What's he doing in there? Clamping Tipper to the electrodes and zapping her across the rec room every night? No, no, don't worry. Al's massive energy consumption is due entirely to his concern about the way we're depleting the Earth's resources. When I say "we," I don't mean Al, of course. I mean you — yes, you, Earl Schlub, in the basement apartment at 29 Elm St. You're irresponsibly depleting the Earth's resources by using that electric washer when you could be down by the river with the native women beating your loin cloth dry on the rock while singing traditional village work chants all morning long. But up at the Gore mansion — the Nashville Electric Service's own personal gold mine, the shining Cathedral of St. Al, Tennessee's very own Palace of Versal — the Reverend Al is being far more environmentally responsible. As his spokesperson attempted to argue, his high energy usage derives from his brave calls for low energy usage. He's burning up all that electricity by sending out faxes every couple of minutes urging you to use less electricity.
Also he buys — and if you're a practicing Ecopalyptic please prostrate yourself before the Recycling Bin and make the sign of the HDPE — Al buys "carbon offsets," or "carbon credits." Or, as his spokesperson Kalee Kreider put it (and, incidentally, speaking through a spokesperson is another way Al dramatically reduces his own emissions), the Gores "also do the carbon emissions offset."
They do the Carbon Emissions Offset? What is that — a '60s dance craze? No, it's way hotter. I mean, cooler. All the movie stars are doing it. In fact, this year's Oscar goodie-bag that all the nominees get included a year's worth of carbon offsets. Totally free. So even the stars' offsets are offset. No wonder that, when they're off the set, they all do the offset. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio: He's loaded with 'em, and the chicks think he's totally eco-cool. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the boy with carbon offsets goes walking and when he passes each one he passes goes aaaiiieeeeeeeee!
So the Gorezilla continues to lay waste to the energy resources of the planet while sternly lecturing the unwashed masses on how to trim their lifestyles to support his luxury. If he gets enough people to buy into his shtick, his pursuit of the gigawatt mansion will be able to continue.
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By John, March 4, 2007 @ 11:54 am
Godzilla always had a fondness for power lines. It all makes sense now.