Knut, the kute, the polar bear cub who became a star at the Berlin Zoo after "animal rights activists" demanded that he be killed at once, has decided that he is taking over the zoo, apparently. He started right off by whacking his main rival for the crowd's affections. That's right, the panda got it. Shanked in a midnight raid by the kute, kuddly killer bear.
Just four days after the euphoria over the debut of three-and-a-half-month-old "Cuddly Knut", the mysterious death of Chinese-born Yan Yan stole the headlines in Tuesday's German newspapers.
Top-selling Bild reported the influx of visitors to the zoo — about 30,000 a day — could have stressed the black and white bear, who spent much of her time lying on her back chomping at bamboo shoots.
"Lots of people gave up on seeing Knut because of the long queues, so they went to see Yan Yan instead. She seemed intimidated and anxious," wrote the paper, suggesting Yan Yan could have had a heart attack.
Berlin Zoo denied any link.
"I can say with absolute certainty that there was no connection between Yan Yan's death and Knut," said a spokesman.
Notice the quick denial by the zoo staff. They know it's really not a good idea to – er – rat out a "made" polar bear. (The polar bear mafia is more fearsome than the Animal Uprising™. Those pictures of polar bears on the ice flows in the wide open water? Set adrift to sleep with the fishes after losing a turf – er ice – war.) Our sources tell us that there was a "rumble" in the "yard" and the panda's luck ran out. Our sources appear to have located an extremely large supply of schnapps while visiting Berlin, too. And they appear not to have saved any for us, either.
I admit, the Skwerl Jihad part of the Animal Uprising has always had me more worried since there are more of them ’round about here. But if we can set the Coalition of Fierce Arctic Animals against the Chinese Consortium of Cuddly Killers, the Uprising might be blunted.