Illinois Denies Squirrel Conspiracy
In a shocking cover-up of biblical proportions, or maybe that was bibliographical proportions, the miscreants running Illinois Bureau of Tourism's "Seven Wonders of Illinois" promotion are denying that there is a squirrel conspiracy. (We read the headline and immediately had to read the rest. WE could have written that headline.)
State discounts squirrel conspiracy
Since the white squirrels' disappointing elimination during Week Three of the Illinois Bureau of Tourism's Seven Wonders of Illinois promotion, there has been a flurry of discontent among voters who felt the percentage numbers changed too abruptly during the last few hours of voting that Saturday afternoon.
City Clerk Belinda Henton said she received e-mails and phone calls from white-squirrel supporters who were indignant about the abrupt shift in voting that put Rend Lake and the confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi rivers in the top two spots and left the white squirrels out of contention for Week Four.
Similar stories have surfaced in other regions, such as the Southwestern region's last-minute change-up, as reported in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, that left the front-runner, the Centralia carillon, in last place after two hours of voting that elevated the Great Rivers Scenic Byway from third place with 15 percent of the votes to first with 65 percent.
The carillon did not make it to the final two, much to the disappointment of its supporters, who, like other supporters of eliminated attractions, have voiced questions of the legitimacy of the online voting system.
While the dismay the white squirrels were not in the final two was widespread, Henton does not believe there was any funny business involved.
“We're disappointed,” Henton said, “but you don't know exactly how it happened. They may have been campaigning harder than we were.”
We here at Blue Crab Boulevard believe that we have the answer to this. There was, indeed, a squirrel conspiracy, just not the one they are denying happened. The gray squirrels were a bit miffed that the alpine shock troops of the Animal Uprising™, the white squirrels, were getting a higher billing over the more numerous gray squirrels - who specialize in suicide electrical substation attacks. They were actually getting online to stuff the ballot box. (Being suicide electrical specialists, they also know how to hack computer connections through telephone switching stations. Just remember: the next bug you have may actually be a squirrel. They're branching out.)
