Special Delivery

The Animal Uprising™ appears to have a deadly new trick up its collective sleeve. This one is really unpleasant. Imagine getting your mail, opening up a package and finding out, too late, that the occupant of the package was a poisonous snake. That's right, the vipers are mailing themselves to people.

BRASILIA (Reuters) – Postal workers in a Brazilian border town knew there was something suspicious about the shipments from Argentina and were stunned to find scorpions and poisonous snakes in the express mail.

The contraband animals, which also included iguanas, tortoises and lizards, were discovered when the workers had the boxes X-rayed.

A spokesman for the federal police in Foz do Iguacu, the town on the border with Argentina and Paraguay where the incident occurred, said animals shipped into the country often end up in Europe "where they charge three, four, five times as much."

Television stations broadcast images of brightly colored tropical snakes coiled and stuffed into plastic containers, the kind typically used for take-away orders at the deli counter.

The contraband animals had crossed the border from Argentina and were being express-mailed to Brazilian cities, police officer Emerson Rodrigues told TV Globo.

Oh, sure. The media tries to blame humans for doing this, but our readers know better. It is the reptiles themselves who are doing this. This is their spring offense. We urge readers to remember that a Louisville Slugger is your best friend for checking the mail. Just beat the heck out of every envelope and package to ensure that there are no poisonous snakes inside. Bonus: The neighbors will leave you alone after they see you doing this a few times.

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One Response to Special Delivery

  1. Diabolical SOB’s. I’ve been tracking the Animal Uprising for a while now too. Never trust anything that isn’t a bipedal hominid.

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