Savage Squirrel Severely Squashed

A German pensioner has discovered a new secret weapon that is unusually effective at curbing aggression in vicious squirrels. Beating them with your crutch stops them in their tracks - even when they are on a serious rampage.

The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.

The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

Finally, an effective weapon against the rodent shock troops of the Animal Uprising™! However, because the squirrels possess a collective mind, all of them now know about the crushing crutch of chaos. Look for a rash of squirrel ambushes on anyone who is even limping a little. (They're notorious bullies.)