Sturgery
We here at Blue Crab Boulevard have been reporting on the psycho sturgeon of the Suwannee for some time now. These are the evil, armor-plated, flying attack fish that have been targeting boaters with precision airstrikes. Shock and awe with fins, so to speak. Well, the British press is finally catching up with the news and reporting about the ferocious, finned fiends.
Leaping sturgeon are inflicting severe injuries on boaters as low water levels on the famous Suwannee River have increased the number of collisions between the armoured fish and passing pleasure boats.
Florida police report that the traditional summer season of "sturgeon strikes" has been particularly bloody this year along the picturesque river, made famous by Al Jolson in the Gershwin song "Swanee".
The Gulf sturgeon – which can grow to eight feet and is covered with sharp, bony plates that can cut flesh like knives – has inflicted broken bones, fractured skulls, severed fingers and a slashed throat.
The number of incidents has risen dramatically in the past 18 months. Four people have been injured so far this year, including a woman whose leg was shattered after a sturgeon jumped on board a pleasure boat. Ten people were similarly injured last year. Previously only the occasional strike was reported.
Its bad enough that they launch themselves with uncanny accuracy at the nearest jet ski rider. But now we have unlicensed fish practicing surgery on innocent boaters, too. This must stop. We have suggested the proper course of action against the prehistoric cruise missiles before. We have rethought our recommendation on wearing full plate armor, however. Several volunteers who tried it out swam straight to the bottom of the river and stayed there. While we're busy finding new volunteers to locate the old ones, we'd recommend not wearing armor until we figure out what happened.
By Lars Walker, July 5, 2007 @ 5:07 pm
Typical British twits. They don’t even know that the Suwanee River was made famous, not by the Gershwin song, but by a Stephen Foster song from which Gershwin borrowed a name.