He’s Ever So Much More Than Just A Messiah

I posted about David Shayler, the former MI5 agent turned messiah a short while back. Now the Daily Mail has done a long interview piece with… er – what's the proper form of address here? His Highness? Nah, that's a king. His Holiness? Nah, that's the Pope. How about his All-Seeing Orbness. Clumsy, but it'll have to do. The Daily Mail sent a reporter to do the interview, Jane Fryer, who would have, quite obviously rather been doing something else. Like having a root canal without Novocaine.

David Shayler is sitting before me – slim, tanned, sockless, dressed from top-to-toe in white and very, very chatty.

"I am the messiah and hold the secret of eternal life," he starts excitedly. "It all came about quite suddenly.

"First I started meditating, then I learnt how to channel the "light", and the more research I did – into Freemasonry, the Knights Templar, Kabbalah – the more convinced I became that I was the Christ."

Jesus Christ? "No, Jesus of the New Testament is an archetype," he explains patiently. "His name derives from the 13th Name of God in Kabbalah, which helps activate the Messiah consciousness within us.

"I was, though, crucified with a crown of thorns and nails then incarnated as Astronges, a Jewish revolutionary put to death by the Romans at around the end of the last century BC …It explained why in this life I had funny shaped wrists and ankles…"

Had? "Yes, look," he says, proffering his tanned arms. "They've pretty much corrected themselves now I've acknowledged the crucifixion – but there used to be big hollows where nails had been bashed in."

And if you squint you eyes up enough, you can see Elvis in the scar I got from an infected bug bite. Good heavens. You simply must read this one. His Orbness claims a number of past lives as well as being the messiah:

While he is likeable, well-spoken, beautifully mannered and very clever, it's all very disturbing.

Particularly when he rattles through his past lives – along with Astronges (the crucified Jewish revolutionary) there's also George Washington, Pythagoras, Socrates, Leonardo da Vinci, Mark Antony and Lawrence of Arabia.

And the all-white wardrobe – is that a Kabbalah thing?

"Actually, it's a Christ thing. You'll notice that T. E. Lawrence – Lawrence of Arabia – started wearing long white robes when he realised he was the Christ. It seems part of the process."

The terrifying thing is how unshakeable his belief is.

Nah, that's normal for someone that far 'round the bend. "See this buttonhole? Rats come out of that hole." His exalted Orbness admits to smoking pot and taking "magic" mushrooms. Sadly, there is no longer a significant other Orbness in the picture. His former girlfriend bolted. But things are definitely looking up for the Orby love-life! We may have found a match made in … um … Wisconsin.

Neighbors called police shortly after midnight Tuesday and, after an officer arrived, he heard the woman yelling in the backyard and found her wearing headphones, a T-shirt and underwear, the captain said.

An officer tried to get her attention by shining a flashlight on her but she continued yelling her chants, Babe said.

He said Barney at one point poured lighter fluid on the fire, in which she was burning rubber car mats and a cooler. Barney refused to cooperate with police and was belligerent, and her breath smelled of alcohol, Babe added

Four officers were sent to the scene and arrested her, the captain added.

She claims to be a Wiccan. We had no idea that flaming rubber car mats and flambéed coolers were part of their rituals. We find that more confusing than the coconuts.