This Is Not Your Fathers Hoover

At times, we find ourselves completely speechless. Or very nearly so. We simply do not know what to say about this story.

EDINBURGH (AFP) - A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or "Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf", was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

Captain Dan wasn't trying to board an airplane and he isn't a judge, but he appears to have been trying for more or less the same effect. So we think we'll just leave it at that. That's the long and the short of it.