Friends, Iowegians, Countrymen, Lend Me Your Arm. Or Leg.

Police in Clear Lake, Iowa are asking the public for a leg up in an investigation. Someone has made off with and arm and a leg. Literally.

CLEAR LAKE, Iowa – Police are looking for a hand — well, actually an arm and a leg — in solving the theft of prosthetic limbs from a local business. The prosthetic arm and leg were taken about a month ago from Tom Leisure Prosthetics in Clear Lake, police said.

Leisure said the limbs, which belonged to different women, have a total value of nearly $30,000. But he said the cost goes well beyond the monetary value.

"You can't assign a price tag to being able to walk or to function," he said.

And that is a very true statement. However, there is a hero in this story. Dorothy Wolfe, of Emmetsburg, Iowa, who is currently out a leg had this to say about the whole situation:

"I thought it was funny," she said. "It cost an arm and a leg."

Someone stole her leg and she's making jokes. That's class.

Zimbabwe Collapsing

The annual inflation rate in Zimbabwe reached an unbelievable 7,251% with new figures finally released by the central bank. Prices in June alone rose by 86%. The government of Robert Mugabe had ceased publishing the inflation numbers, but international banking regulations forced them to finally divulge the extent of the trainwreck that is Zimbabwe's economy.

Prices in Zimbabwe rose 86 per cent during June, the second largest monthly increase in the country's history, taking annual inflation to 7,251 per cent from 4,530 per cent in May.

Zimbabwe suspended the monthly publication of inflation data in May, but because financial institutions and stock exchange-listed companies are required to publish inflation adjusted figures to comply with International Accounting Standards, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe released the inflation numbers to financial institutions this week.

The figures cover the period just prior to the introduction by President Robert Mugabe's government of controversial price controls, ordering businesses to cut prices by as much as 50 percent. They were imposed at the end of June in response to surging consumer prices in the second quarter of this year – when inflation reached 288 per cent over three months.

Mugabe's psychopathic price controls appear to have dropped the inflation rate for a time after June – but only by completely eliminating anything to buy on the market. There simply isn't anything in the stores. The government has just had to agree to price increases in virtually every sector. This is the man who got thunderous applause from other African leaders? For what, exactly? Destroying what was once the breadbasket of Africa?

Zimbabwe is collapsing.

Shhhhhh! They’re listening!

Just when you thought it was safe to discuss the Animal Uprising™, we bring alarming news. The animal overlords, utilizing their gruesome genetic manipulation techniques have perfected a new listening device to eavesdrop on humans. Be afraid, you never know when a four-eared rabbit may be listening.

You've heard of a four leaf clover but what about a four-eared rabbit.

Take a look at Pete. He's a wild rabbit in north Bakersfield, California.

Pete and three other rabbits live under a shed.

Pete, or as he is really known, Radar O'Rabbit, is listening to the humans nearby and gathering intelligence that the animal overlords will use to plan their next offensive. And worst of all, our informants also tell us that he can pick up satellite television without having to pay a monthly fee. (They have video.)

Winged Disaster

Investigators of the Minneapolis bridge collapse appear to have determined at least a potential contributing factor to the disaster. Pigeons.

ST. PAUL, Minn. – Pounded and strained by heavy traffic and weakened by missing bolts and cracking steel, the failed Interstate 35W bridge over the Mississippi River also faced a less obvious enemy: pigeons.

Inspectors began documenting the buildup of pigeon dung on the span near downtown Minneapolis two decades ago. Experts say the corrosive guano deposited all over the span's framework helped the steel beams rust faster.

Although investigators have yet to identify the cause of the bridge's Aug. 1 collapse, which killed at least 13 people and injured about 100, the pigeon problem is one of many factors that dogged the structure.

The specific problem: pigeon guano.

Pigeon droppings contain ammonia and acids, said chemist Neal Langerman, an officer with the health and safety division of the American Chemical Society. If the dung isn't washed away, it dries out and turns into a concentrated salt. When water gets in and combines with the salt and ammonia, it creates small electrochemical reactions that rust the steel underneath.

"Every time you get a little bit of moisture there, you wind up having a little bit of electrochemistry occurring and you wind up with corrosion," said Langerman. "Over a long term, it might in fact cause structural weaknesses."

Langerman emphasized that he wasn't saying pigeon dung factored into the collapse of the 40-year-old bridge. "Let's let the highway transportation and safety people do their job," he said.

The power plants I worked at had active programs to keep pigeons off the structures. It was a continuous battle with the little beasts. But it was bad for the steel and the concrete and also a health hazard for humans. If the pigeons did contribute, watch for the calls to get rid of them mount. Tom Lehrer said it best:

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety,
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
(Tom Lehrer, Poisoning Pigeons in the Park)

The Nannies Of New York: Carmel Edition

FREEZE! Step away from the donut, old man! Welcome to Carmel, New York. Do not feed the old people any donuts.

CARMEL, N.Y. – Hoping to quell complaints about pastry paternalism, county officials have offered a limited comeback for donated doughnuts that were recently barred from senior citizens' centers because of health worries. But some seniors immediately soured on the plan.

Putnam County officials have been taking heat for proposing to prohibit the free doughnuts from the county's five senior centers. The "day-old" sweets come from local shops.

Nutritionists have questioned whether the doughnuts are suitable snacks for the over-65 demographic, which is susceptible to high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes. But patrons have said they're mature enough to decide what to eat, and some 250 people have signed a petition blasting the proposed doughnut ban.

Pastry fascism in Putnam County. Just how much worse do you think this will be if the bureaucracy controls the health care system? They already cannot let people decide for themselves – they have simply decided what to take away. They know better than you do what is good for you.

And if you believe that, I have a real deal on some land down in Florida.  

And while we're on the subject, isn't the name "Carmel" likely to cause people to think unhealthy thoughts about sugary sweets? Since the county officials are so concerned perhaps they should change the name. Tofu, New York?

The Case Of The Killer Cocktail Weenie

It was a wild, tempestuous night, towards the beginning of August. Holmes and I sat together in silence all the evening, he engaged with a powerful lens deciphering the actual ingredients in a bottle of Vegemite, I deep into my third jeroboam of a rather ordinary vin ordinaire. Outside the wind howled down Baker Street, while the rain beat fiercely against the windows. It was strange there, in the very depths of the town, with ten miles of man's handiwork on every side of us, to feel the iron grip of Nature. That, however, turned out to be just another rat chewing my shoes. I've complained repeatedly to the local council about the rodents, but they point out that rats have more rights than we humans.

"Well, Watson, it's as well we have not had to turn out to-night," said Holmes, laying aside his lens and downing a quick shot of tequila. "I've done enough for one sitting. It is trying work for the eyes. So far as I can make out, Vegemite is nothing more than a cruel practical joke that the Australians have perpetrated on the world. Halloa! halloa! halloa! What's this?

Amid the droning of the wind there had come the stamping of a horse's hoofs, and the long grind of a wheel as it rasped against the curb.

"I see that fee on motor cars in the city is starting to bite. I wonder what he wants?" I ejaculated, as a man stepped out of it.

"Want? He wants us. And we, my poor Watson, want overcoats and cravats and goloshes and a couple of gallons of brandy, and every aid that man ever invented to fight the weather. I know what this is about, I have been expecting it. We are off to chase the Foulest Criminal In All Of England®!"

When the light of the hall lamp fell upon our midnight visitor, I had no difficulty in recognizing him. It was young Stanley Hopkins, a promising detective with the London Police, in whose career Holmes had several times shown a very practical interest.

"Come! The game's afoot!” Hopkins shouted. Holmes immediately hit him in the face with the poker from beside the fire for stealing his lines.

After Hopkins rose, unsteadily from the floor with blood streaming down his face, we all headed out into the howling storm. Following Hopkins closely we went looking for the Foulest Criminal In All Of England®. As we hurried through the stormy night we came upon a gang of five drunken teenagers beating an elderly woman with her own Zimmer Frame. I started to head toward the vicious scene, but Holmes and Hopkins grabbed me and told me to concentrate on the real criminals.

We rushed on, headlong through the hellish night and came upon two yobs holding a knife to the throat of an eight-year old, demanding she give them her iPod. Again, I started toward the criminals, but was again restrained.

Just then we were startled by the crash of breaking glass. We looked up and saw two burglars throwing a homeowner out of the third story window of the man's home. I looked at Holmes and he just shook his head. We hurried on, oblivious to the screams and the thud as the home owner hit the pavement, head first. At least that quieted the screams.

Ahead I saw a young boy who looked to be around twelve years old sitting on the steps of a small house. Holmes and Hopkins virtually threw themselves at this apparition and hurled him to the ground, kicking him several times in the kidneys to make sure he stayed down. They cuffed him while I watched, astonished.

“But what has this boy done, Holmes?” I whined.

“This boy, as you call him, is the Foulest Criminal In All Of England®.” Holmes spat. “This is the monster that must be taken off the streets at all costs. He is the lowest of the low and we have stripped the streets of police officers to hunt him down like the dog he is.”

“But what is the foul crime of the Foulest Criminal In All Of England®?” I pleaded.

“This is the beast, the depraved monster who threw a cocktail weenie at a man. He must pay for his heinous crime. Off to the gaol with this, this Foulest Criminal In All Of England®.”

I Stood weeping in the rain after they had whisked him off to the prison.

Well, It’s Back Off Again

Clothing, that is. The town council of Brattleboro, Vermont has reversed itself and will let a ban on nudity expire. From comments made by one member of the "selectboard", as it is formally known, it is evident that fuzzy thinking is alive and well at the local government level.

A month after passing the temporary ban, the Brattleboro Selectboard voted 3-2 on Tuesday to reject a proposed ordinance that would have made it permanent. When the emergency temporary ordinance expires next month, public nudity will no longer be illegal.

It's all about tolerance, one board member said.

"We in this country are going down a slippery slope these days," said Dora Bouboulis, noting a national newspaper recently published an article about the emergency ordinance under the headline "Tolerant town gets intolerant."

She said it wasn't up to the town to restrict anyone's right to dress or undress.

As I mentioned before, I honestly couldn't care less about people's clothing or lack thereof. Provided that lack of clothing is not inflicted on those who would rather not see it. Trumping the rights of one group with those of another is not tolerance – it is enabling passive-aggressive behavior. Given that there should be quite a lot of awareness that there are people who get their kicks exposing themselves to others, that is one real concern that Brattleboro is ignoring. Let's hope they don't find that out the hard way. There are also some issues of hygiene, but let's not go into detail on that. You might want to watch where you sit in Brattleboro, though.

Buffalo Rats

Buffalo rats, won't you come out tonight?
Come out tonight, Come out tonight?
Buffalo rats, won't you come out tonight,
And dance by the light of the moon.

Only they aren't waiting for night. Rats are running amok in Buffalo, New York with complaints more than doubling since last year. And they're moving to the nice areas of town, too.

Buffalo’s rat busters thought they had eliminated the nasty rodent a couple of years ago with garbage totes, but this summer, rat complaints skyrocketed by nearly 90 percent .

The city’s pest control officers think they know one reason for the resurgence: Blame it on a dry spell.

“They’re coming out looking for more food and water,” Frank Poincelot, the city’s head exterminator, said of the local pest population.

Animal control experts have never seen rodents, raccoons and other four-legged foragers move around so much during the summer, said City Sanitation Director Steven J. Stepniak. As a result, the same wayfaring animal can trigger multiple complaints.

New figures were released Monday showing that since June 1, the city logged 717 rodent complaints, compared with 380 calls in the same period last year. Since April 1, rat-related complaints have more than doubled over 2006 levels.

And the rats have become equal opportunity pests, making their presence known in even some of Buffalo’s most stable neighborhoods. For example, First Deputy Mayor Steven M. Casey reported two rodent sightings this summer outside his Parkside-area home.

Hopefully they get under control rapidly. (Side note: the "Buffalo" referred to in the song Buffalo Gals is Buffalo, New York. At least it better be, or we have a completely different problem involving mutants.)

Forget Alligators In The Sewers

The stories have circulated for years, even before there was an internet. Giant alligators loose in the sewers of major cities. The stories have been widely debunked by the likes of legendary urban legend party pooper Snopes.com. But that's ok, because now we have photographic evidence that Britain has an even worse problem. It isn't reptiles that they have to worry about.

It's the sewer pigs.

Crews were called to Fairthorne Manor in Botley Road, Curbridge, where the pig became lodged down the drain near the banks of the River Hamble.

Working with a vet, RSPCA officer, the firefighters and a rural safety officer, the five-year-old animal was eventually extracted from the drain.

The pig, a Gloucester Old Spot and Middle White cross, was unhurt.

Jim Green, Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service's rural safety officer, said: "It was important for us to get the animal out as quickly as possible as she was quite stressed by the experience.

What the report misses, of course, is the fact that the pig got stuck in the drain on her way out. That's evident from the picture that accompanies the article. The sewer pigs are emerging from their underground lairs – that isn't a good sign for Britain.

It Sucks. And That’s A Good Thing.

The company that produces robot vacuum cleaners has just come out with two new models with greatly increased suction. The iRobot company has introduced the improved units and is hinting that new, amazing products will be introduced soon.

Two new models, the Roomba 530 and Roomba 560, were scheduled to start selling on iRobot's Web site, Amazon.com and Home Shopping Network on Wednesday for $250 and $399.

The new models are more durable, have twice as much vacuum power and more sophisticated artificial intelligence technology than previous models. iRobot has sold 2 million vacuum cleaners since it introduced its first machine almost five years ago.

Improvements include new anti-tangle technology to extract the robots from power cords, sensors that slow them down as they approach walls and beacons that guide them around the house.

The company will not say what the new products they plan on bringing to market are, but say they have nothing to do with floors or lawns. It they come up with a product for polishing the dog, we'll be quite happy.

Today’s Cringe

Ok, all you male readers get ready for your daily dose of serious cringing. A woman in Russia, divorced but forced to remain in the same apartment with her ex-husband because of housing shortages settled an argument with the ex. Yes, indeed she did. She set fire to the man's penis.

MOSCOW (Reuters) – A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict".

The man, interviewed on Russian television, reports that his nether region was "flaming like a torch." Generally speaking, flambeing someone's privates is considered a fairly hostile action and we're against it on general principles. Particularly because of our personal plumbing arrangements. We sincerely hope the man has secured other living arrangements.

Excuse us a moment, we have to go hide all the flammable liquids in the house. Strictly as a precaution, of course.

Democrats On The Defensive

The Washington Post reports that Congressional Democrats have had a major surprise. They expected to go home for the August recess and pound on Republicans for supporting the war in Iraq. Instead, they are having to change their own stance in the face of unmistakable progress in that country.

Democratic leaders in Congress had planned to use August recess to raise the heat on Republicans to break with President Bush on the Iraq war. Instead, Democrats have been forced to recalibrate their own message in the face of recent positive signs on the security front, increasingly focusing their criticisms on what those military gains have not achieved: reconciliation among Iraq's diverse political factions.

And now the Democrats, along with wavering Republicans, will face an advertising blitz from Bush supporters determined to remain on offense. A new pressure group, Freedom's Watch, will unveil a month-long, $15 million television, radio and grass-roots campaign today designed to shore up support for Bush's policies before the commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, Army Gen. David H. Petraeus, lays out a White House assessment of the war's progress. The first installment of Petraeus's testimony is scheduled to be delivered before the House Armed Services and Foreign Affairs committees on the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, a fact both the administration and congressional Democrats say is simply a scheduling coincidence.

The leading Democratic candidates for the White House have fallen into line with the campaign to praise military progress while excoriating Iraqi leaders for their unwillingness to reach political accommodations that could end the sectarian warfare.

I have maintained all along that the Democratic leadership in Congress badly misread the results of the 2006 elections. They were not given a mandate to lose a war. But they chose to read it that way. It should be fairly obvious that members of Congress are hearing – loud and clear – from their constituencies that they do not want the war lost. Otherwise you would not see this kind of backpedaling. And no matter how they try to dress it up, they are backpedaling furiously.

One thing that is incredibly ironic about the whole situation is the sudden shift toward criticizing Iraqi politicians for doing nothing. Given the fact that our Congress under Democratic leadership is pretty well doing nothing, I don't think that is a really great tactic for the Democrats.

Rampaging Bulls

Two bulls managed to work together and lift up one of the 100 pound steel panels that made up their enclosure and escape at the California State Fair. The bulls began rampaging through the grounds of the fair. Bystanders scrambled to get out of the way and to get children to safety.

As the bulls rushed out, Cal Expo Police Officer Pam Irey summoned onlookers to get out of the way. Her daughter Shelby, 16, was preparing for a flag ceremony in the staging area with nearly two dozen members of the sheriff's Explorers program.

"My mom grabbed a 5-year-old boy and tossed him over the fence to a cowboy so he wouldn't be trampled," she said. "She distracted the bulls from another Explorer."

Then the bulls charged Irey. She remained hospitalized Tuesday with broken ribs, a minor concussion and some abrasions, State Fair spokeswoman Jessica Dunning said.

The fair's deputy general manager, Brian May, called Irey a hero.

"Her instinct as a police officer was to warn people," May said. "She waved her arms, drew the attention of the bulls and was charged herself."

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for Pam Irey.

Misleading Studies

John Stossel takes on the claims that America's health care system is worse than others in the world. He makes a couple of extremely obvious points that expose the flaws in the much-quoted 2000 World Health Organization study. That is one of the studies that is often quoted by the advocates of socialized medicine.

The WHO judged a country's quality of health on life expectancy. But that's a lousy measure of a health-care system. Many things that cause premature death have nothing do with medical care. We have far more fatal transportation accidents than other countries. That's not a health-care problem.

Similarly, our homicide rate is 10 times higher than in the U.K., eight times higher than in France, and five times greater than in Canada.

When you adjust for these "fatal injury" rates, U.S. life expectancy is actually higher than in nearly every other industrialized nation.

Diet and lack of exercise also bring down average life expectancy.

Another reason the U.S. didn't score high in the WHO rankings is that we are less socialistic than other nations. What has that got to do with the quality of health care? For the authors of the study, it's crucial. The WHO judged countries not on the absolute quality of health care, but on how "fairly" health care of any quality is "distributed." The problem here is obvious. By that criterion, a country with high-quality care overall but "unequal distribution" would rank below a country with lower quality care but equal distribution.

It's when this so-called "fairness," a highly subjective standard, is factored in that the U.S. scores go south.

As Stossel points out, people from all over the world come to the US for treatment. You never hear about Americans traveling to other countries like that. Stossel also demolishes - as many people have – the grossly misleading (but much quoted) figure of "45 million uninsured" in America. Among other things that inflated number includes people who are in this country illegally and those who can afford insurance, have it available if they wanted it, but choose not to get it. There is also a large portion of those uninsured who already qualify for government programs but have not enrolled. Take all of those groups out of the number and that huge figure shrinks to a very small number.

And if you think socialized medicine is the answer, perhaps you're asking the wrong question. Why not ask what your chances of surviving cancer are? Or whether you'll be forced to give birth on a bathroom floor because the doctors don't have the training to deal with deliveries?

Funny how changing the question changes the answer.