An Open Letter From Robert Mugabe

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You know, it's really hard being a ruthless dictator these days. The world press can be so hard on a guy. But I'm writing this letter to the world just to dispel some of the false reports circulating.

The media tries to say that hyperinflation of the Zimbabwean dollar is a bad thing. Sure, it's trading at about Z$260,000 to US$1 but what of it? Do realize how abundant toilet paper is in Zimbabwe right now? Why hygiene has never been this good before. And if there was any food to cook, there would be lots of fuel to cook it with!

And all the moaning about how bad the economy is. Well, let me tell you, that just is not true at all. We have a real booming growth industry right now that just begs for smart foreign investors. Get in now, on the ground floor, so to speak, and there are huge profits to be made in the funeral business! That's right, we have a really booming mortuary segment of our economy. Take that, critics!

Sure, the media complains that there is a housing shortage and that people are forced to crowd ten to a room in many areas. Well, to realize how much togetherness that prompts? And no cell phone bills! Its economic freedom writ large.

Oh, and all that whining from the United Nations – pay no attention to that. So what if the average life expectancy here in Zimbabwe is down to 37 years for a man, 34 for a woman. It just means they get out of the worker's paradise I have created sooner. See? There is a silver lining everywhere you look.

Now you'll excuse me, I have to give some economic advice to Hugo Chavez.

Dictatorially yours,

Robert Mugabe

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7 Responses to An Open Letter From Robert Mugabe

  1. Rebecca H says:

    If there were justice in Africa, someone would assassinate Mugabe. As it is, when he’s finally driven out of Zimbabwe, he’ll mostly likely retire to a luxury apartment on the Champs d’Elysee, like all the rest of the murdering thugs of the world.

  2. Gaius says:

    I’d like to see him tried and jailed for what he has done. As a sort of object lesson for other bad actors in Africa.

  3. Poor Zimbabwe. Even after he’s gone, it will takes decades for it to recover from the havoc he’s wrought.

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