British Outrage As Paddington Bear Tries New Food

The British reportedly have their knickers in a twist because the beloved Paddington Bear has *gasp* tried something other than marmalade for a sandwich filling. Oh, what drama.

Paddington appears in a television advertisement which shows the curious bear for once trying Marmite instead of his usual breakfast spread.

Michael Bond insists he did not know about the decision to use his creation until "the point of no return".

He dismissed suggestions that he had been paid a "vast sum of money" for writing the Marmite advert.

"I should be so lucky - particularly since I didn't write it," he said in a letter to The Times.

He also dismissed suggestions that Paddington could be lured away from marmalade.

"It would require a good deal more than the combined current withdrawals from Northern Rock to wean him off marmalade, if then," he added.

Marmite, which does not contain any marmots, despite the similarity in names, is apparently very similar to Vegemite. (We here at Blue Crab Boulevard do not take kindly to people trying to horn in on our smuggling racket.) On the other hand, the Brits should count their blessings. Our bears try other treats. Like Boy Scouts.

ALBRIGHTSVILLE, Pa. - The state Game Commission is setting traps in Hickory Run State Park after a bear bit a 12-year-old camping with his Boy Scout troop.

The bear entered the boy's tent Sunday night and bit down on his sleeping bag, probably trying to get candy bars and cereal hidden there, but bit the boy instead, Tim Conway, a game commission spokesman, said Tuesday.

The boy was treated at Blue Mountain Health Systems' Gnaden Huetten campus in Lehighton and released.

"The bear took off when the boy screamed," Conway said.

(Lucky for him.) Well, off to buy some bread from a man in Brussels.

(And if you have no idea what "Chunder" means, here's an interesting take on the etymology.)

Media Covers Up Peruvian Meteor Truth

We're sorry to report that the USA Today staff has joined in the cover-up of what really went down in Peru. Or came down in Peru, depending on how you look at it. And NASA scientists are also part of it. We here at Blue Crab Boulevard are forming a new group, the Peruvian Meteor Scholars For Truth® to get the real Truth™ out there.

Following up on yesterday's post, scientists doubt that the meteorite that slammed into the Andes on Sunday caused the ailments that scores of Peruvians reported, SPACE.com says.

Noxious fumes likely came from what might have been a "geyser-like explosion" upon impact and not from the meteorite itself.

"Statistically, it's far more likely to have come from below than from above," said Don Yeomans, head of the Near Earth Object Program at NASA'S Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

"Meteorites don't give off odors," he added.

We'll have to disagree. One of our operatives managed to get us this photo taken in the village of Carancas. (And it so happens that we're in need of a new operative. Send in your resume and be part of a vital and growing team!)

(Photo by Joel Friesen)

Demand the truth! Carancas was an inside job! Or outside the atmosphere job. Or something.

The Goat In The Forest

Or rather, the goat in Forest, Mississippi. Oh, sure, Tupelo has Oliver, so Forest has to go for "Billy".

Local resident Gene Walker, who lives on Poinsetta Drive, said the goat first showed up in his neighborhood around 10 days ago. Billy did not damage the Walker's yard but may have vandalized others in the area, according to reports.

"It was kind of comical to ride through the neighborhood and see a goat roaming the streets,“ Walker said.

Mary Jo Walsh, another resident of the area, couldn't believe her eyes when she first saw Billy.

"The first time I saw the goat, I had stopped at the stop sign and was looking down the street and here is this creature frolicking down the driveway," she said. "I thought 'does somebody have a miniature horse?'"

Though she and her husband Ron offered tomato plants and fresh greenery to the goat, Billy still managed to clean out the Walshes’ cats' dishes each night.

Police pursued the goat for over a week, officers were not able to catch the speedy guy until Monday.

"We had to catch him by hand," Lee said. "We had some hot and sweaty officers when it was all over."

Billy was reportedly caught at Ben Pace's home. Billy is believed to have slept in Pace's carport during his time in Forest.

Does that count as a real estate selling point? "Three bedrooms, two baths, three goat garage." If it doesn't, it should. Now, we really don't want to rain on Forest's 15 minutes of fame, but Queens, New York upped the ante. They had a runaway cow.

NEW YORK — An errant cow is headed for greener pastures after being corralled by police following a two-mile chase through the streets of Queens.

Dubbed "Queenie," the brown and white bovine was captured around 11 p.m. Tuesday, about one hour after she was first spotted roaming the streets of Jamaica, Queens, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for Animal Care & Control of New York City.

"We have the cow. We're taking care of her. She will probably go to a farm sanctuary upstate," he said.

No one seemed to know where the cow came from. Gentles said there have been no reports of a missing cow from any of the area slaughterhouses.

Coincidence? We think not. This is obviously some sort of plot between the goats and the cows (as part of the larger Animal Uprising™, of course.) We have advice for the residents of both Forest and Queens: be careful where you step.

The Reptiles Are winning

The reptile legions of the Animal Uprising™ are advancing the nefarious plot of the animal overlords rapidly. Two stories today should get people's attention. First up: Stay away from beer. That first can may not be a cold one at all. It may be a cold-blooded rattlesnake disguised as a harmless can of beer.

PORTLAND — Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Calls from cable network television stations poured in Tuesday, when he still had sore muscles and nerves from the venom.

It happened at a barbecue with friends.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,"' Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch."'

So he stuck the snake in his mouth.

"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.

Snake got your tongue? (That one has got to get an honorable mention from the Darwin Awards.) Believe it or not, that is not the most unsettling story today. Lizards giving birth to plastic lizards is much more disturbing.

Seven-year-old Finley Collins thought her pet 12-inch bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed an unusual protrusion near the lizard's tail.

But Finley's father, Jeff Collins, feared it might be something more ominous and rushed Mushu to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out a 7-inch toy rubber lizard.

"I've never extracted a lizard from another lizard before," said veterinarian John Rossi.

Rossi had sedated Mushu and pulled on the protrusion.

"The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head. It was very strange to be tugging on this thing," he said.

By the time the rubbery lizard's legs began to appear, Rossi realized what it was.

Whatever you do, keep your kids away from rubber lizards. You never know where they've been.

What IS The Frequency, Kenneth?

"What's the frequency, Kenneth?" is your Benzedrine, uh-huh
I was brain-dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed
I thought I'd pegged you an idiot's dream
Tunnel vision from the outsider's screen
I never understood the frequency, uh-huh
You wore our expectations like an armored suit, uh-huh
(REM, What's the Frequency, Kenneth?)

The REM song What's the Frequency, Kenneth? refers, of course, to the bizarre 1986 incident where Dan Rather was assaulted by a man. Years later, the attacker was identified as William Tager, a pretty thoroughly loony guy. Well, Rather is back in the news, only this time it is him with a tenuous grip on reality. He's suing his former employer, CBS, for $70 million.

The 75-year-old Rather, whose final months were clouded by controversy over the report, says the complaint stems from "CBS' intentional mishandling" of the aftermath of the story.

The lawsuit, filed in State Supreme Court in Manhattan, also names CBS President and CEO Leslie Moonves, Viacom Inc. Chairman Sumner Redstone, and former CBS News President Andrew Heyward.

Rather, the former anchorman of the "CBS Evening News," is seeking $20 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages.

CBS spokesman Dana McClintock said: "These complaints are old news, and this lawsuit is without merit."

Rather narrated the September 2004 report that claimed President Bush skirted some of his duties during his National Guard service and that a commander felt pressured to sugarcoat Bush's record. He maintains the story was true.

But an independent review for the network determined the story was neither fair nor accurate. CBS fired three news executives and a producer for airing it.

Notice how they skip completely over the forged documents? Oh well, Danny boy just won't go away, will he? He never did understand the frequency.

UPDATE: Charles over at LGF would beg to differ with the Wikipedia entry, BTW. He did show them to be forgeries pretty darn early on.

UPDATE: Best take yet by Mark Steyn. Not directly on Rather, per se, but you'll understand. Every headline can be improved by adding "Dan Rather" to it.

“Hsu’s On First!” “Yes!”

First plane out of Colorado, that is. Democratic party fundraiser Norman Hsu appeared in court today in Grand Junction, Colorado to waive extradition to California.

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. - Disgraced Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu, wanted in California on a 15-year-old felony theft conviction, agreed Wednesday to return to the state without a fight.

Hsu appeared in court, his hands cuffed and his ankles shackled, as he read legal documents waiving his rights and signed four copies of the paperwork. He also answered Judge Brian Flynn's questions about giving up his right to fight extradition.

During the course of the questioning, Flynn asked Hsu, "Are you thinking clearly this morning?"

Hsu responded, "Yes, your honor."

Flynn also asked him if anyone was forcing him to give up his rights and Hsu said no.

Flynn said authorities usually arrive within 10 days to take custody of an extradited individual, but district attorney Pete Hautzinger said he expects San Mateo County authorities to arrive Thursday to take Hsu back to California.

And since I played off it for the post title, here is the entire classic Abbott and Costello routine, "Who's on First?"

Communist Genius Can’t Figure Out Clock

(T)Hugo Chavez is, quite literally, too ignorant to figure out how to change a clock. I'm not making this up. While explaining his "brilliant" idea for egalitarian sunshine - his plan to set Venezuela's clocks back one-half hour to provide "a more fair distribution of the sunrise" - neither Chavez or his brother, the education minister, could explain how to do it. The told people to move the clock ahead a half-hour.

"I don't care if they call me crazy, the new time will go ahead, let them call me whatever they want," Chavez said on his weekly TV show. "I'm not to blame. I received a recommendation and said I liked the idea."

The shift will allow children to wake up for school in daylight instead of before sunrise, Chavez said.

That may seem reasonable to many Venezuelans but ordering the change with little notice and scant public education has raised questions over how much thought was given to the plan.

It also highlights how the anti-U.S. president's governing style can sometimes be eccentric, improvised and rushed in his self-styled revolution to turn one of the world's biggest oil exporters into a socialist state.

Chavez himself has not had time to get to grips with the practicalities of the clock shift.

In his live show, he called on his brother, the education minister, so that the two men could explain the measure. But they mistakenly told Venezuelans to move their clocks forward at midnight on Sunday, when the policy is to move them back.

No, "crazy" isn't the word we thought of, (T)Hugo. This guy can't figure out a clock change but promotes himself as an economic genius? We're going with "stupid". We'd like to help (T)Hugo with a little mnemonic: Spring back into the fall ahead.

That should keep him busy for days……

Fun And Games

The common-theme trifecta today would appear to be sex. First, an Australian man managed to avoid a jail sentence for a rather unusual burglary:

A court in the northern city of Brisbane heard how 27 year old Jamie Lacey, high on drugs, broke into the house in September 2004, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and making a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove, the Brisbane Times reported.

Lacey was arrested in December 2006 after police matched DNA his DNA to that on the rubber glove, according to the Australian Associated Press.

A vacuum cleaner was also found in the bathroom, but the judge dismissed a defense submission that there was no proof the vacuum has been used for sexual purposes.

Ok, we have an idea of what the vacuum cleaner was used for: catching a dwarf. But a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove? We honestly do not want to know. Next up: it was the best of times, it was the wurst of times. A German butcher shop was asked to wrap an unusual package for delivery to Dubai.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Staff at a German butcher's shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.

"It was two latex dildos with a natural look," said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.

The man had bought sausage, then returned later and asked the shop to package the meat for shipment. Employees called police when they realized there was something odd in the package. Does this make the man a hardened criminal? Last, but oh so not least: be very careful not to disturb the center of gravity in your moving SUV.

Joshua D. Frank, who had been living on the Latah County Fairgrounds, pleaded guilty Monday to a misdemeanor charge of failing to notify a police officer of a traffic accident. He was fined $188.

Frank told Moscow police he was driving near downtown early Saturday while a man and woman were having sex in the rear of the vehicle. According to a probable cause affidavit, he said the movement caused the SUV to become "tippy" and he lost control of it.

We'd recommend removing the trapeze.

More Meteor Madness

The story of the meteor that hit near a village in Peru and reportedly made people physically sick is sweeping the globe. The Daily Mail has pictures.

Jorge Lopez, director of the health department in the state of Puno, said 200 people have suffered headaches, nausea and respiratory problems caused by "toxic" fumes from the resulting crater, which is about 66 feet wide and 16 feet deep.

"This is caused by the gas they have inhaled after the crash," Mr Lopez said.

"People are scared," he said.

Villagers went to the site after hearing a crash that they thought might be an airplane.

Now they fear the meteor may be contaminating water supplies as well, and could present a danger to livestock.

Authorities are reassuring people that there will be no permanent effects from the meteor. Here is a photo of a group of villagers listening to the government official sent to reassure them.

(Photo by Joel Friesen)

Shortly after the picture was taken, the crowd ate the official's brain.

Attention John Kerry

Not long ago, John Kerry made the ludicrous claim that no genocide followed the American withdrawal from Vietnam. Well, Kerry's beloved United Nations would beg to differ with him. Today, the UN-sponsored Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia has arrested their second former Khmer Rouge official on charges of crimes against humanity. You know, genocide. 

Nuon Chea was arrested early Wednesday morning at his home in Pailin in northwestern Cambodia near the Thai border and flown to the Cambodian capital Phnom Penh, where he was put in the custody of a U.N.-supported genocide tribunal.

The tribunal is investigating abuses committed when the communist Khmer Rouge held power in 1975-79. The Khmer Rouge have been blamed for the deaths of their countrymen from starvation, ill health, overwork and execution.

A statement released by the Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia — the formal name by which the tribunal is known — said Nuon Chea had been placed in "provisional detention."

Police surrounded his home in Pailin in northwestern Cambodia near the Thai border and served him with an arrest warrant. Police Capt. Sem Sophal said he was being arrested on charges of crimes against humanity, but did not show a copy of the warrant to reporters.

Officers later took the 82-year-old Nuon Chea — who denies any wrongdoing — into custody and put him into a car and then a helicopter for the capital, Phnom Penh, as his son and dozens of onlookers gathered to watch the historic scene in silence, witnesses said.

Nuon Chea was the chief ideologue for the Khmer Rouge. Last month they arrested and charged Kang Kek Ieu, also known as Duch. He was the head of the Tuol Sleng prison. That sort of thing happens when America abandons allies, Senator Kerry.

Spitzer In Trouble?

Michael Goodwin continues to hammer away at New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Citing a new poll that shows that 70% of New Yorkers want Spitzer to testify, under oath and in public, about the use of state police to try to smear his political opposition. The poll is a brim reminder that Spitzer's stock has fallen badly in the Empire State.

A whopping 70% of those responding to a new Siena College poll not only want the rookie Democrat to testify - they want him to do it publicly. A mere one in four believes he has been honest so far. That's a resounding "NO SALE" response to the governor's efforts to make the issue go away without first coming clean.

The poll released yesterday confirms earlier ones by Siena and others that it's the coverup more than the initial incident bugging voters. Most important is the finding that a clear majority of respondents, 53% to 27%, believe Spitzer has not told the truth. The same question in a Siena poll in July brought an almost identical result, 51% to 28%.

"People's views have not changed in six weeks," said Steven Greenberg, a spokesman for Siena's Research Institute. "They believed in July that Spitzer knew what his aides were doing, and they continue to believe it."

Smart people, those voters. That many of them supported Spitzer in his landslide victory last fall, when he got 69% of the vote, only makes their doubts about him much more significant.

The state Ethics Commission has issued a "target" letter to Spitzer's communication director and appears to be heading toward the issuance of subpoenas in the matter. Spitzer may not have a choice about testifying.

Broken Systems

John Stossel reports today on the British and Canadian socialized health care systems. He finds that, contrary to the assertions of Michael Moore and his fellow travelers, the "free" health care is anything but.

One basic problem with nationalized health care is that it makes medical services seem free. That pushes demand beyond supply. Governments deal with that by limiting what's available.

That's why the British National Health Service recently made the pathetic promise to reduce wait times for hospital care to four months.

The wait to see dentists is so long that some Brits pull their own teeth. Dental tools: pliers and vodka.

One hospital tried to save money by not changing bed sheets every day. British papers report that instead of washing them, nurses were encouraged to just turn them over.

Government rationing of health care in Canada is why when Karen Jepp was about to give birth to quadruplets last month, she was told that all the neonatal units she could go to in Canada were too crowded. She flew to Montana to have the babies.

"People line up for care; some of them die. That's what happens," Canadian doctor David Gratzer, author of The Cure, told "20/20". Gratzer thought the Canadian system was great until he started treating patients. "The more time I spent in the Canadian system, the more I came across people waiting. … You want to see your neurologist because of your stress headache? No problem! You just have to wait six months. You want an MRI? No problem! Free as the air! You just gotta wait six months."

There are quite a few examples. People told that life-saving surgery is "elective" in Canada for example. There is a whole segment of the Canadian travel industry devoted to helping citizens get to the US for treatment. Despite the evidence the systems are failing in countries where socialized medicine is in place, there is still a big push for it here. Because it's "free".

Just wait until you see how much it costs.