The Reptiles Are winning
The reptile legions of the Animal Uprising™ are advancing the nefarious plot of the animal overlords rapidly. Two stories today should get people's attention. First up: Stay away from beer. That first can may not be a cold one at all. It may be a cold-blooded rattlesnake disguised as a harmless can of beer.
PORTLAND — Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.
"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."
Calls from cable network television stations poured in Tuesday, when he still had sore muscles and nerves from the venom.
It happened at a barbecue with friends.
Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.
"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,"' Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch."'
So he stuck the snake in his mouth.
"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.
Snake got your tongue? (That one has got to get an honorable mention from the Darwin Awards.) Believe it or not, that is not the most unsettling story today. Lizards giving birth to plastic lizards is much more disturbing.
Seven-year-old Finley Collins thought her pet 12-inch bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed an unusual protrusion near the lizard's tail.
But Finley's father, Jeff Collins, feared it might be something more ominous and rushed Mushu to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out a 7-inch toy rubber lizard.
"I've never extracted a lizard from another lizard before," said veterinarian John Rossi.
Rossi had sedated Mushu and pulled on the protrusion.
"The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head. It was very strange to be tugging on this thing," he said.
By the time the rubbery lizard's legs began to appear, Rossi realized what it was.
Whatever you do, keep your kids away from rubber lizards. You never know where they've been.
By feeblemind, Wednesday, 19 September , 2007 @ 8:12 pm
I second the nomination for honorable mention in the Darwin Awards.