Blue Crab Boulevard

Sinking The Armada

British equality chief Trevor Phillips is starting a campaign to rewrite the nation's history books to be more "inclusive" of other cultures. His first target is the defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588. According to Phillips, it was actually people who were not there who managed to defeat the Armada. All those British vessels involved? Meaningless. They could have stayed home.

"When we talk about the Armada, it is only now that we are beginning to realise that part of it is Muslims - actually it was the Turks who saved us because they held the Armada for a few weeks, on the request of Elizabeth I," he told a Labour conference fringe event.

"Let's rewrite that story, let's use our heritage to rewrite that story so that it is truly inclusive.

"That's the reason for this: So that we have an identity which brings us together and binds us in the stormy times we're going to have."

The head of the new Commission for Equality and Human Rights said it is not about rewriting what we are, "but sometimes we have to go back into the tapestry and insert some threads that were lost. We may need to revisit some parts of our heritage so we rewrite it to tell the whole story".

But experts said inflating the importance of minor or irrelevant events in the interests of race relations is confusing to children……

…..Mr Phillips's view appears to be based on the work of historian Jerry Brotton. He argues that the Armada had been weakened before it even set sail because the Spanish had been forced to keep some ships in the Mediterranean to deal with the troublesome Turkish navy.

But Dr Simon Adams, co-author of England, Spain and the Grand Armada, said the Ottomans were not threatening Spain in the Mediterranean.

Well, we here at Blue Crab Boulevard do not plan to stand idly by while the British press attacks Phillips for his completely made up history. We asked our experts from the Ersatz Historical and Completely Mythological Institute of Faux Facts (EHCMIFF) for their interpretation of the history of the Spanish Armada.

They state that they have unequivocal proof that the Spanish Armada was actually defeated by a force of mermaids from Atlantis who took a shine to the Duke of Medina Sidona (who bore a striking resemblance to Ricky Martin). As they inform us, the mermaids plotted to kidnap the Duke because he was so cute. However, the mermaids kept pulling the wrong ships under the water with their giant squids and the Duke escaped.

Hey, at least its more entertaining than Phillips' version.

History, Humor, World news | Gaius Wednesday, 26 September , 2007

By Sam L., Wednesday, 26 September , 2007 @ 2:04 pm

I thought it was the Duke de Paloma Blanca; I heard the mermaids liked guys with mustaches and big hats who looked like Slim Whitman. (Must have misread that part.)
By Uncle Pinky, Wednesday, 26 September , 2007 @ 2:38 pm

Actually, it was Captain Haddock, in the study with billions of blue blistering barnacles. Professor Plum abetting.

If we can rewrite history this casually, can I rewrite it into one where Trevor Phillips and his goofiness never existed?
By Anthony (Los Angeles), Wednesday, 26 September , 2007 @ 2:51 pm

Hey, if we get to rewrite History, can we say we won in Canada and still annex it?
By Gaius, Wednesday, 26 September , 2007 @ 3:04 pm

They do have really good beer…..
By feeblemind, Wednesday, 26 September , 2007 @ 4:25 pm

What was it Orwell wrote in the book 1984 about the Ministry of Truth? He who controls the present controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future. Or something like that. Jokes aside, there is a method in their madness.