Hey, everyone! Bobby Mugabe here again. I keep on fightin' the good fight against imperialism by bringing enlightened socialism to the grateful people of Zimbabwe. And I have even more good news to report!
The last of those imperialist scum who used to feed all of us here in Zimbabwe – and still have more than enough to export to other countries – are finally gone! Yes, we took their farms, fired their workers and put all those formerly productive fields into ecologically-friendly fallowness! Damn, I am good at this!
Ringed by a clutch of Zimbabwean soldiers clicking automatic weapons, Charles Lock handed over the keys to his farm and drove off his land for the last time.
Scores of white farmers, the last survivors of President Robert Mugabe's land grab, and thousands of their black workers are going through similar agonies.
They now face the final deadline. As from today, any white farmer still on his land will be deemed to be trespassing on state property.
All agricultural land was officially nationalised last year — with the seizure to take effect from Oct 1 this year.
In advance of this deadline, Zimbabwe's army and the Central Intelligence Organisation have been tormenting the last handful of white farmers and their workers.
About 50 have been summoned to appear at magistrates' courts. Some have surrendered their farms and homes in despair in the last few weeks.
Hey, one of my best buds, General Justin Mujaji and his lovely wife, Pauline, now own that formerly productive farm. They've promised to manage it right into the ground for me, too. Talk about a pal! (You know, it's really great that these pals of mine work for loot. Otherwise the payroll would be enormous.)
Well, at least now we can do away entirely with all that export rigmarole. Now we can count on the west feeding us by sending in all we need. Gotta love those "democracies", they play along so well. Oops, gotta go. I have to go talk to the guys in Burma about how to shut people like that whiner Lock up and get rid of the evidence.