Well, Hello Sailor

The Hill reports that a Capitol Hill lobbyist who will remain nameless but who:

represents a chemical company, Clariant. He lives at Hill House, an apartment complex that many lawmakers call home, and has been a registered lobbyist since May 15 of last year.. (Ed Note, they left out the shoe size)

Has had a close encounter with the hive mind of the squirrels.

The alleged squirrel encounter occurred the week prior to July 4. No, he wasn’t tired, he says. Yes, his mental health is quite satisfactory, thank you. “I felt fine, there was nothing unusual,” he said, laughing. “Yeah, I know it’s weird.”

ITK met with Squirrel Man in the basement restaurant of the Capitol Hill Club last week, just a stone’s throw from the “crime scene” — a bench in front of the Cannon House Office Building. For reenactment purposes, he then led ITK to the bench where he was sitting when the squirrel approached. He looked around, made kissing noises at several squirrels and noticed a woman at another bench putting on shoes and socks. “Now that’s weird,” he said.

His version of the event: The lobbyist was sitting on the bench smoking a cigar when the squirrel approached, looked him in the eye and “distinctly said hello to me.” That particular day, the lobbyist did not have the stash of nuts and bread he usually brings to feed the animals.

So perhaps the squirrel was taunting him?

The lobbyist knows his story sounds strange. But, he says, he’s tired of keeping quiet. It’s a lonely feeling and he wants to know if anyone else in the community has ever heard a squirrel talk. “Every time a squirrel comes around I stop and wonder,” he said.

Anyway, since all squirrels share a group consciousness, we asked the resident of the walnut tree out in the side yard what, exactly, all this meant. He (well, it could be a she, but we thought it improper to ask) said that the squirrel in question had actually been trying to make small talk leading up to asking the lobbyist to represent them. The Lobbyist missed a big contract. The squirrels are agitating for a "greenhouse gas control measure" involving the planting of walnut trees. Since the lobbyist they approached ignored them, they have found another firm, Dewey, Dickem and Howe to lobby for them.