The Terrible Turkeys Of Terror Return

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Last year we reported on the terrible turkeys that terrorized Brookline, Massachusetts, pecking and chasing people and stealing lunch money from children. Well, guess what? They're baaaaaack.

BROOKLINE – On a recent afternoon, Kettly Jean-Felix parked her car on Beacon Street in Brookline, fed the parking meter, wheeled around to go to the optician and came face to face with a wild turkey.

The turkey eyed Jean-Felix. Jean-Felix eyed the turkey. It gobbled. She gasped. Then the turkey proceeded to follow the Dorchester woman over the Green Line train tracks, across the street, through traffic, and all the way down the block, pecking at her backside as she went.

"This is so scary," Jean-Felix said, finally taking refuge inside Cambridge Eye Doctors in Brookline's bustling Washington Square. "I cannot explain it."

Notify the neighbors: The turkeys are spreading through suburbia. Wild turkeys, once eliminated in Massachusetts, are flourishing from Plymouth to Concord and – to the surprise of some wildlife officials – making forays into densely populated suburban and urban areas, including parts of Boston, Cambridge and, most recently, Brookline.

Turkey stalkers are making suburban life into a living hell. The authorities are, as usual, useless. Their advice: stay away from the turkeys. This is, of course, impossible when the turkeys charge, demanding food, money or a date. (Turkeys are extremely rude that way.) The biggest problem is going to be mistaken identity. If the police do finally intervene and respond to a turkey call, they might mistakenly grab and incarcerate a politician.

Wait. That's not a bad thing.

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6 Responses to The Terrible Turkeys Of Terror Return

  1. feeblemind says:

    One wonders if these turkeys have ‘sacred cow’ status? If they are so tame that they can peck a person, sounds like it would be easy to grab one by the neck, then just wring their neck and you have your Thanksgiving turkey. Wild ones are much tastier than the domestic variety. But perhaps in Mass, murdering a turkey on a city street is a felony? While they are still afraid of humans, turkeys in Nebraska have become abundant since being introduced in the 1980s. The turkeys have attracted bobcats and mountain lions, so we now have them as well and they do not limit their menu to turkeys. One more thing. Turkeys smash grills on cars and obliterate windshields if you happen to run into one.

  2. Lars Walker says:

    Too many turkeys would not have struck our ancestors as a problem, but as an opportunity.

  3. Maggie says:

    Wait …

    There are Kurds in Massachusetts?

    I thought Turkey was lining up to invade Kurdistan, not Massachusetts …

    Cripes! Can’t these East Coast Liberals figure anything out for themselves??!!??

    Kill and clean the turkeys and toss them in freezers, and then serve them to the Bush-induced Massachusetts poor and hungry on Thanksgiving Day just about a month or so from now … Can’t these liberal dolts see Manna From Heaven when it’s poking them in the eye??!!?? MUST the government do EVERYTHING for them?

  4. feeblemind says:

    Lars is quite right. I would add it is a sign of a well fed society. For some reason it reminds me of my sister’s cat. One time, a mouse got in the house. My brother-in-law looked on in disgust as the cat watched the mouse scurry between it’s legs as it dashed under the refrigerator. After the mouse disappeared, the cat nonchalantly walked over to it’s bowl for a snack.

  5. sam says:

    Something like that happened to me one time after consuming a fifth of Wild Turkey . . .

  6. mockinbrd says:

    I knew Brookline was full of left wing turkeys First off they want financing and then they want to do some deals! Soon there will be feathers left in bank lobbies and even The Mayor”s Chair!

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