Bobby Mugabe here. I know it has been a while since I sent a letter, but it is hard work making a socialist worker's paradise, you know. The details are endless: what color interior matches the carbon flash metallic paint on the new Hummer H3x I'm ordering? How many hummingbird tongues to order for the next banquet. You know, the important stuff. But I read with some interest about the famous New York restaurant that had bragged up their $25,000 dessert. Reuters describe the "Frrozen Haute Chocolate" as:
…….a blend of 28 cocoas fused with 0.2 ounces of edible 23-karat gold.
It comes with an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds at the base of the goblet. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound.
So what. The joint that serves it got closed because they have mice and cockroaches running about. I have a much better, higher priced treat here in my little slice of paradise! Yes, the Bobby Mugabe worker's paradise has a more expensive treat! It's called 'bread'.
Cash itself has become a tradable commodity. Swapped for products such as fuel and beef, it is attracting a 20 per cent premium to its face value.
The search for cash is an unrelenting daily ordeal for Zimbabweans, who were paying Z$1.6 million for a bus fare to and from work yesterday, Z$800,000 for a loaf of bread, and Z$700,000 for a pint of beer.
Oh sure, the western media is twisting things around:
Zimbabwe’s economic meltdown is gathering pace, with inflation spiralling to almost 15,000 per cent, according to figures leaked yesterday.
The 14,840 per cent annual inflation in October was nearly double what it was in September. Prices between September and October rose 135 per cent.
President Mugabe told state media that “Zimbabwe will not collapse, now or in the future,” even as his strategy for beating inflation with draconian price controls lay in ruins.
In June Mr Mugabe ordered businesses to slash prices to below what it cost them to stock shelves. Annual inflation has since shot up nearly 10,000 percentage points. “I am speechless,” said one economist. “I cannot get my head around these figures. They are so enormous.”
Well, that's because you are stupid, Mr. smarty-pants western economist. We here in Zimbabwe – well, the workers, anyway – are all millionaires! They can afford a hugely expensive treat called 'bread' that is more expensive than you can get at some eatery in New York. And, bonus! No rodents or cockroaches to contend with – they've all been eaten!
Well, gotta run, worshipful admirers! My friend Hugo wants a few pointers on making a great paradise work. His heart is in the right place but his pacing is a bit off. It will take him at least two years to bring his economy to the exalted level I have achieved! He can do better.