A Giant Mystery

We have had some dramatic entrances and exits upon our small stage at Baker Street. The invasion of the Ninja Cheerleader Squad or the visit by the Ivory-Billed Dodo for example, but I cannot recollect anything more sudden and startling than the first appearance of Magnus Pedis, M.A., Ph.D., etc. His card, which seemed too small to carry the weight of his academic distinctions, preceded him by a few seconds, and then he entered himself — so large, so pompous, and so dignified that he was the very embodiment of self-possession and solidity. But he slammed his head into the top of the door frame as he entered, cracking the stout English oak and causing him to stagger against the table, whence he slipped down upon the floor, and there was that majestic figure prostrate and insensible upon our bearskin hearthrug. He blended in against the bearskin, from which I deduced that he badly needed a shave.

We had sprung to our feet, and for a few moments we stared in silent amazement at this ponderous piece of wreckage, which told of some sudden and fatal storm far out on the ocean of life. Then Holmes hurried with a cushion for his head. and I with
brandy for his lips. The heavy, bearded face was seamed with lines of trouble, the hanging pouches under the closed eyes were leaden in colour, the loose mouth drooped dolorously at the corners, the rolling chins were unshaven. As were his hands. Collar and shirt bore the grime of a long journey, and the hair bristled unkempt from his enormous head. It was a sorely stricken and hirsute man who lay before us.

"What is it, Watson?" asked Holmes.

"Absolute exhaustion — possibly mere hunger and fatigue. Or he's had a bit too much gin and tonic," said I, with my finger on the thready pulse, where the stream of life trickled thin and small.

The puckered eyelids had begun to quiver, and now a pair of vacant blackish brown eyes looked up at us. An instant later the man had scrambled on to his feet, his face crimson with shame. Well, what we could see of it under his five o'clock shadow.

"Forgive this weakness, Mr. Holmes, I have been a little overwrought. Thank you, if I might have a bottle of Scotch and a side of beef, I have no doubt that I should be better.”

Holmes ordered the comestibles straightaway and our guest disposed of them straightaway.

“I came personally, Mr. Holmes, in order to insure that you would return with me. I feared that no telegram would convince you of the absolute urgency of the case."

"When you are quite restored –"

"I am quite well again. I cannot imagine how I came to be so weak. I wish you, Mr. Holmes, to come to Georgia with me by the next train."

My friend shook his head.

"My colleague, Dr. Watson, could tell you that we are very busy at present. I am retained in this case of the Elvis Documents, and the Abergavenny wardrobe malfunction is coming up for trial. Only a very important issue could call me from London at present. Besides, it is quite impossible to take the train across the Atlantic Ocean."

"Important!" Our visitor threw up his hands. "Have you heard nothing of the discovery of a dead bigfoot in Georgia? It is imperative that you come to Georgia to test the DNA of this creature!

“Oh, that won't be necessary, Dr. Pedis. I have already tested the DNA,” said Holmes.

"What!”

"Yes, I did the analysis yesterday. The bigfoot DNA reveals that the Georgia specimen is closely related to the Cardiff Giant and the Piltdown Man.”

Our visitor gazed down at his size 26 boots and muttered angrily to himself.

“Drat, I had hoped I actually existed.”

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3 Responses to A Giant Mystery

  1. martian says:

    As I heard the news report yesterday, the DNA from this supposed bigfoot has been tested three times – the first test result was "inconclusive", the second said it was the DNA of an Opossum, and the third test said it was human. Unfortunately, these guys either submitted DNA samples from three completely different sources or else they found the corpse of a creature that is part human, part marsupial, and has some other creature’s DNA thrown in for good measure. One shudders to think what the creature must look like.
     
    A quote from one of the "discoverers" stated that there are a minimum of 3500 and perhaps as many as 7000 of these creatures roaming the wild areas of the U.S. He didn’t state how he came by such specific figures.

  2. Tom says:

    Wonder if "Ripley’s Believe It or Not" is going to get involved…

  3. MikeM says:

    Coming soon to a cable channel near you: "Bigfoot Autopsy" hosted by Jonathan Frakes.

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