Blue Crab Boulevard

A British man has been acquitted of all charges in a landmark case. 25-year old Stuart Kennedy will not have to display a floppy truncheon when he next delivers a strip-o-gram.

Three judges have ruled that a male stripper who dresses as a policeman can use a real truncheon in his act.

Stuart Kennedy, a student whose stage name is Sgt Eros, was arrested on his way to an engagement in Aberdeen by two female police officers.
 
They watched his performance in a city pub to confirm his explanation for wearing a police uniform before he was charged with carrying an offensive weapon.

A sheriff threw out the charge at a lower court amid widespread criticism of the Crown for pursuing the case, but prosecutors decided to appeal against the ruling.

They told the Appeal Court in Edinburgh at an earlier hearing that Mr Kennedy, 25, a genetics student and part-time strippagram, would not have been detained if his truncheon had been "floppy".

Men everywhere will be relieved that floppy truncheons are not required by British law.

The western world continues its descent into inanity with the latest "findings" from a Swiss committee. We should all sit back and welcome the era of PLANT RIGHTS.

In a report on "the dignity of the creature in the plant world," the federal Ethics Committee on non-human Gene Technology condemned the decapitation of flowers without reason, among other sins.

Still, commission member Bernard Baertsche suggested at a press conference the body weighed such cruel acts on a case-by-case basis, noting "the simple pleasure of picking the petals off a daisy might suffice as a reason."

Similarly "all action that involves plants in the aim to conserve the human species is morally justified," the commission, tasked to offer an ethical take on all areas of biotechnology and genetic engineering, said in its report.

Nor did the commission object to genetic engineering, since this did not threaten plants' "autonomy — that is their capacity to reproduce or their capacity of adaptation."

We look forward to the antics of PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants) which should begin any time now. We here at Blue Crab Boulevard, however, intend to fully respect the proper place of plants.

Next to the steak.

The Johnson County (Iowa) Board of Supervisors has withdrawn its permission for self-described ghost hunters to search a former mental asylum.

Board members last month approved an investigation of the buildings, but decided to vote it down in response to negative feedback, said Board Chairman Rod Sullivan.

He said the board initially did not oppose a request from the Johnson County Historical Society to have a paranormal team conduct a free investigation at the site, which is now a private residential care facility for the mentally ill called Chatham Oaks.

Gee, what negative response could they possibly have gotten? Sadly, it means sales of this item will be flat in Johnson county, for now at least.

Apropos Rich's post from yesterday about Ted "I Got Mine" Turner. We got cannibals.

On this day in 1513, the Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida. This is the first recorded instance of what has come to be called "Spring Break" or "The Fountain of Youths."

The Telegraph reports that a colony of flying penguins has been spotted, confirming Darwin's theory of evolution. Or disproving it. Or something.

Camera crews discovered a colony of Adélie penguins while filming on King George Island, some 750 miles south of the Falkland Islands.

The programme is being presented by ex-Monty Python star Terry Jones, who said: "We'd been watching the penguins and filming them for days, without a hint of what was to come.

"But then the weather took a turn for the worse. It was quite amazing. Rather than getting together in a huddle to protect themselves from the cold, they did something quite unexpected, that no other penguins can do."

We here at Blue Crab Boulevard are happy to report that we have discovered a colony of car-sized rats which we have dispatched to King George Island to eat the flying penguins. One has to keep nature in balance, after all. Flying penguins would give the seagulls an inferiority complex.  

A German author is set to launch his latest book - with a nude reading.

A book about naturism in East Germany is to spice up its publicity tour – with a naked book reading.

East Germans became famous for "Freikoerperkultur" (FKK) before the fall of the Berlin Wall, happily stripping off at summer nudist camps.

Now author Thomas Kupfermann has written a book about the subject, compiling snapshots and memories from leading lights in the naturist movement.

The sold-out reading today at a bookshop in north-eastern Germany will apparently be shrouded in heavy curtains to prevent over-curious onlookers ogling the audience. 

We here at Blue Crab Boulevard would never stoop to such naked opportunism. The upholstery on the office chair is much too scratchy. Not that we've checked. Honest.

Why, the Johnson county (Iowa) board of supervisors, of course. The board voted to allow self-proclaimed ghost hunters access to a former insane asylum located in that county. Mind you, there have never been any ghosts reported there.

Brandon Cochran, museum operations assistant for the historical society, said there have never been reports of ghosts or bizarre happenings at the building and that bringing in a paranormal team is "kind of taking the pre-emptive approach.

He wants an Iowa-based paranormal investigative team to come in for one night. Cochran said he hopes they don't find any paranormal activity and the investigation can put to rest any speculation.

A four-person Carroll Area Paranormal Team will use thermal imaging equipment and voice recording systems, Cochran said.

The mind boggles. In other odd news, a Farmer in Australia is wondering who threw the suspected bits of spacecraft onto his property:

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A cattle farmer in Australia's remote northern outback on Friday said he had found a giant ball of twisted metal, which he believes is space junk from a rocket used to launch communications satellites.
 
Farmer James Stirton found the odd-shaped ball last year on his 40,000 hectare property, about 800 kilometres (500 miles) west of the northern Queensland state capital of Brisbane.

Rumor has it that the Johnson county board of supervisors is sending a team of UFO investigators. Meanwhile, signs of giant sharks have been found in the St. Clair River in Michigan:

"It's a shark tooth," Craig Wentz said. "It's petrified. It's rock."

Michigan State University paleontologist Michael Gottfried said the 3-inch long tooth comes from an extinct species called Carcharodon megalodon, or the "megatooth" shark. The megalodon, which went extinct 2 million years ago, reached lengths of more than 60 feet.

By comparison, Great White sharks generally are about 20 feet long.

Rumors that the Johnson county board of supervisors is sending shark hunters to investigate are not true. They are actually sending the ghost hunters to locate Chief Brody and Quint so they can ask them to look into the matter.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission has taken a rather dim view of the entrepreneurial adventure of a Texas rattlesnake rancher. It seems his "ancient Asian elixir" - a rattlesnake in a bottle of cheap vodka - has drawn their attention - and the rancher's arrest.

SANTO, Texas - A rattlesnake rancher who calls himself Bayou Bob found a new way to make money: Stick a rattler inside a bottle of vodka and market the concoction as an "ancient Asian elixir." But Bayou Bob Popplewell's bright idea appears to have landed him on the wrong side of the law, because he has no liquor license.
 
Popplewell, who has raised rattlesnakes and turtles at Bayou Bob's Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch for more than two decades, surrendered to authorities Monday. He spent about 10 minutes in jail after the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission obtained arrest warrants on misdemeanor charges of selling alcohol without a license and possessing alcohol with intent to sell.

Personally, we here at Blue Crab Boulevard prefer our vodka be snake-free. However, our enterprising side also sees a business opportunity. After all, the natural remedy market - formerly known as 'voodooism' - is growing rapidly. So we have begun researching several all-natural products that we might be willing to invest in. We've rejected Baby Seal Oil and Snail Darter Syrup, however. We are very interested in the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Tonic, though.

Rumor has it that this man will shortly be the newest spokesman for the IPCC, explaining why the predictions from climate models are not actually matching the real world observed results.

No really.